Q. Though I try to keep a distance between my personal and professional life, it doesn't always work. The distance thing also costs me, especially in what I sacrifice in my personal life. I'm pretty, so men hit on me. Unfortunately, I can't signal interest back without risking problems. So I pretend I'm a nun between 8 and 5 and also when I'm at social events that have a business impact.

This leaves me with a great business life and no social life, so I tried going online with two dating services. I was apprehensive about the potential professional impact, not wanting my co-workers or business acquaintances to think I was trolling for dates. Although I tried to disguise myself by using an old photo and altering my age, profession, income and education, I've been found out. Everyone's making jokes about my being on the open market, and this is just what I didn't want to happen. How do I handle it?

A. Get over it.

First, those who found you out were looking themselves. So what if they saw you there too?

Second, your sensitivity to being "out there" keeps others' amusement alive. A quick "Yep, I tried it. Now can we figure out this project?" response to teasing helps others drop your life as a viable topic.

Third, stop altering the details -- you want those you hope to meet to know the real you, not the disguise.

Q. For weeks I've been hearing reports that one of my employees, "Kevin," has sabotaged the work of two other employees. This morning I decided to bring Kevin into the office, confront him with the reports before he had a chance to tell me how it was all everyone else's fault and get his agreement to change his ways.

Things fell apart right from the beginning. Kevin initially stonewalled me and then got belligerent. I finally had enough and sent him home for the day without pay. My question is: How do you get the truth from someone who's in the wrong and doesn't want to admit it?

A. Abe Lincoln once said, "You get your best results when you plow around the stump." When you confronted Kevin at the beginning of your interview, you aimed your interview "plow" directly at him, with predictable results. Because confrontation followed by interrogation makes employees feel like criminals, it rarely works.

A successful employee problem-resolving interview includes three stages.

First, you need to establish an effective interview climate.

Second, you need to hear from your employee. Although you didn't want Kevin to tell you his "story," managers generally need to learn the employee's view to be able to successfully challenge it.

If you handle stages one and two well, you can get Kevin to buy into a revised story line in stage three by effectively challenging what he himself tells you.

Because you've reached an impasse, you have three options: Either try again yourself, decide to continue with a disciplinary process that might result in firing Kevin or use a third-party mediator who can reopen communications.

If you decide to try again, start off by letting Kevin know you want the two of you to get on the same page. Then tell him you're concerned by reports you've received and want to learn his viewpoint. Regardless of what Kevin initially says, avoid reacting. Instead, ask him questions. Whenever you ask enough questions, problem employees give the information you need to effectively confront one-sided views. For example, if Kevin says he never sabotaged others, ask him to outline how he supports them. Few Kevin types can answer this question. If Kevin tries to smoke you by giving a "right" answer, springboard from his response to outlining the consistent behavior you want from him.

Ultimately, you need to give Kevin clear expectations concerning the behaviors you want to see and those you won't allow. At the close of stage three, either secure Kevin's agreement to make changes or outline what happens if he doesn't.