Double bed might save you from divorce

She and her husband slept on a king-size bed, and, in a fight, they could keep to their own sides indefinitely.

Divorce has risen along with the size of our mattresses. The latest figures who that over 40 percent of marriages end in divorce (not 50 percent, the statistic you usually see).

In her book, "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," Judith Wallerstein ignited a firestorm of controversy. A California therapist who has followed over 100 children of divorce for almost 30 years, Wallerstein was one of the first to talk about the long-term effects of divorce on children.

The effects of divorce on children linger long after the break-up, Wallerstein argues. "They often have this syndrome, "Whenever I'm happy, I'm afraid it's going to vanish."

Many children of divorce do not know the "scripts" for keeping a family together. "All I learned from my dad is how not to be a father," said one of the men Wallerstein studied.

No one gets married wanting a divorce. What makes a marriage thrive?

"Good communication!" finds University of Washington's marriage psychologist John Gottman. "This doesn't mean the absence of positive messages. Rather, the number of positive messages should outnumber the number of negative messages by eight to one.

Since I couldn't find out much other useful advice in the scientific literature, I asked happily married couples what practical tips they would give to a young couple starting out.

1. Talking about divorce is out of bounds.

When my husband and I got married, we decided we would never talk about divorce. I'm not saying that divorce should always be out of the question. I can think of circumstances where divorce is a good solution. But every marriage has its ups and down. When you get into a bad patch, you figure you might as well talk it out.

2. The person who really cares about something gets his or her way even if it isn't fair.

It matters a lot to me what restaurant we go to. I am picky about food, and my husband just likes to try something new. I always choose the restaurant.

When something comes up that matters a lot to my husband, he always gets his way. I've been trying to think of an example, but I can't come up with a single one.

3. Think about this question: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

This tip comes from Alaskan therapist Bonnie Brody, who works with people who are "haunted by the narrative of their parents' divorces."

You don't have to win the arguments, she tells them. Say your spouse comes home upset because an enemy at work has criticized him to the boss. It is not necessary to point out, however calmly and rationally, just why this enemy could be right. You want your spouse on your side, even if you are wrong. Especially if you are wrong!

4. Figure out what you are going to do as a couple and what you will do on your own.

Have an agreement on what you will do together and what you will do individually. If you like sailing (at garage sales), don't insist that your spouse go with you. Let him go by himself to the gun show, if it's not your thing.

5. Don't go to sleep mad.

This is the good advice my mother gave me. She didn't need to. When my husband and I have a fight, I can't sleep. He is snoring the moment his head hits the pillow. So I wake him up. That's a lot easier to do in a double bed.

Judith Kleinfeld is director of northern studies and a professor of psychology at the University of Alaska Fairbanks.