I know mature adults who pretend they didn't watch Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest on Saturday, says columnist Tom Sorensen of The Charlotte (N.C.) Observer.

The way they'll tell it is they happened to be walking past the TV, heard the kids scream and the dachshund howl, and in the interest of family unity reluctantly paused to watch. Two hours later they finally moved, and it wasn't to put a hot dog on the grill.

I don't pretend. I love this stuff. ESPN televised the event, and I watched all of it.

Joey Chestnut chomped down a record 68 hot dogs, capturing his third straight July Fourth hot-dog eating contest at Coney Island, an annual showcase for flamboyant hot dogging contestants eager to show they really are what they eat.

Chestnut of San Jose, Calif., hoisted the American flag and then stood proudly like an Olympic athlete as "The Star-Spangled Banner" played following his 68 to 64½ dog victory over his archrival, six-time titleholder Takeru Kobayashi.

Consuming mass quantities of food in a limited period of time is athletic. But it's more than that. For guys like me, it's inspiring.

I pour low-fat milk on my cereal and no-fat milk into my latte. I eat red meat at most twice a week. I rarely eat dessert. I like salads.

Don't look at me that way. I love boxing. And I work out.

All right, I did work out. A recent by-product of the cancer treatments I'm wrapping up is that I hate food. I hate the taste, the texture, the smell and the concept. I get by almost exclusively on whole milk, six to eight glasses a day.

I don't know what I'll eat when I can appreciate food again. But I suspect that meat will be involved.

Hope everybody had a great Fourth, and hope you enjoyed Coney Island's consuming carnivores whether you intended to or not.

It was strange to watch Chestnut and the fellows with a glass of 3.5 percent-fat milk in my right hand. Maybe next time I'll drink 68.Quotes of the week

• David Thomas of the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram, after Cowboys offensive linemen Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Procter formed a heavy metal band and named it Free Reign: "At least they didn't choose False Start."

•White Sox broadcaster Steve Stone, after Cubs catcher Geovany Soto hit a three-run homer after news broke that Soto had tested positive for marijuana at the World Baseball Classic: "He smoked it."

• NBC's Jimmy Fallon, on the Swiss adventurer trying to fly a solar-powered plane around the world: "He's just praying that nothing bad will happen ... like night."

Heir Jordan

"Jeff Jordan, son of NBA great Michael Jordan, announced last week that he is leaving the University of Illinois basketball team after two seasons to concentrate on his studies," noted Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel. "The good news is they don't chant ‘Daddy's better!' in chemistry class."

Can-do attitude

Indy Racing League driver Tony Kanaan, trying to break the monotony before the June 27 SunTrust Indy Challenge in Richmond, Va., offered to front half the bounty to anyone who could spend an hour inside a port-a-potty in near-100-degree heat with vents closed.

Aaron Godnai, an IRL national sales manager, did the deed - and walked away $1,000 richer.

At the typewriter

From Mike Bianchi's column in The Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel:

• Can we please stop with the suggestions that the Magic should bring back Grant Hill to fill out their roster? Are you people nuts? That's like suggesting to the person who's just been struck by lightning: "Hey, why don't you go stand under that same tree the next time it starts raining?"

• From the "Do As I Say" Dept.: A reader sent me an e-mailed copy of an old newspaper article from 1983 in which Bobby Bowden lobbied for Tulane to forfeit a game because the Green Wave played an ineligible player against FSU. Tulane did, in fact, forfeit the win and FSU went to the Peach Bowl as a result. Translation: Bowden felt it was OK then to seek victories over a team that used an ineligible player, but he doesn't think it's OK now to lose victories even though he used ineligible players. Tsk, tsk.

Beyond Octomom

New from Reebok: NFL maternity T-shirts featuring team logos and such ditties as "Rookie," "1 NFL Draft Pick 2030," "Mom's Tiny Kicker" and "Fan Pending."

So keep an eye out for the shrink-wrapped 11-pack - the Travis Henry Special - at a Costco near you.

A cluttered mind

From Greg Cote's column in The Miami Herald:

• Despite the dangers, though, competitive eaters are known to have the longest careers of any athlete. The incentive to continue is considered great because, without exception, throughout the sport's history, everyone who has retired from eating has died.

• Danica Patrick is considering switching next year to NASCAR, where she can become a star attraction known for being immensely popular and not winning races, just like Dale Earnhardt Jr!

• WNBA star Diana Taurasi was arrested for DUI. Well, it's about damned time women athletes began showing signs they can be every bit as irresponsible as the men!

• Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez and Magic coach Stan Van Gundy have developed a close friendship. I say they trade looks: Stan shaves his head bald, and Fredi grows a 1970s porn-star mustache.

• Have you heard the rumor? A-Rod is going on a crash diet so at least he can say he's hitting his weight.

• Didn't do any good, but soccer star David Beckham, from the Royal Box at Wimbledon, sent a good-luck note to Andy Murray on Friday. Beckham is a big tennis fan when not busy failing to lift the stature of Major League Soccer.

• After upsetting Spain and then losing to Brazil in the FIFA Confederations Cup final last week, the United States moved up two spots in the latest world soccer rankings. "We're No. 12! We're No. 12!"

The Yankee gripper

Yankees pitcher Phil Coke is a rasslin' fanatic, even more so after witnessing a Florida Championship Wrestling match.

"I got to watch behind-the-scenes stuff and practice," Coke told the Middletown (N.Y.) Times Herald-Record. "It's just amazing. It's real because you have to put up lot of time into learning not how to kill someone by accident."

Turkey Dressing Dept.

The Braves are 7-0 when right fielder Jeff Francoeur wears his lucky "turkey underwear," the Atlanta Journal Constitution reported.

Of course, he hasn't had to face White Sox pitcher Jimmy Gobble.