Woman tired of playing second fiddle to his old girlfriend

My boyfriend of three years, and the father of my 1-year-old daughter, pays more attention to, and seems to care more for his female "best friend." They dated for a short time, but they withheld certain facts from me. My boyfriend follows her around, to be frank, like a lost puppy. I'm not making it more than it seems. She and her boyfriend have noticed how he acts toward her, yet she doesn't do anything.

I talked nicely to all involved, but I have gotten nowhere fixing the problem. He doesn't see it even after all this time trying to explain why I feel the way I do. Please give me advice if you have any.

-- Hurt and Confused

Wanda says:

Normally I'd just ask why you're tolerating playing second fiddle to your boyfriend's former flame. I'd tell you to have some self respect, move on and find someone who puts you first.

But the child you share complicates the issue, to say the least. I assume you'd like to work things out for the sake of your daughter, which is noble and the right thing to do. You have to give it your best shot -- but if things are going to work out, he has to meet you halfway.

If you've talked to him nicely before, perhaps it's time you explain your position with a bit more force. He needs to know it doesn't matter if he doesn't see the problem with his behavior: Everyone else does, and it's unacceptable. Make it clear that as his partner, you're not going to put up with being ignored while he moons over another woman. It's hurtful and destructive and he needs to stop putting you in that position.

Ask him if he's committed to your relationship, and if the answer is yes, talk about the kinds of things you can both do to strengthen it. (If you think you could use some help, look into a family counselor.) Then hold yourselves and one another accountable.

Wayne says:

I know Wanda and others think I only have deep, complex feelings about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and the all-you-can-eat clam strips and happy hour at Louie's Bar and Grill. But I actually do see your problem here and I sympathize.

God knows I'm a big fan of mooning over unavailable women: other men's wives, the girlfriends of male friends, and all the women in the world with too much class and common sense to look at me twice. Still your boyfriend is way out of line on this one. And so is the other woman for encouraging it. What's that about?

You and your man have a child together in a monogamous relationship. You are essentially married, minus the paperwork. You've mentioned it to your man, and it still goes on? Maybe ask the other woman's boyfriend to punch your guy's lights out. Just a thought.

Bottom line is this: Wanda is right when she says it is difficult to break it off with the father of your baby. But do you really want to raise a child with a child as a partner?

• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

Reader Response

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I hesitate to offer this advice for the couple wondering about how to cope with getting old ("Reader wants to avoid potholes in the road of aging," June 26). Because it is somewhat impractical. But man it sure seems to work for me! Afterthought: I just turned 70. Anyway I love getting outdoors and have found that skiing (much of it behind a dog -- I still need to be in shape) or snowshoeing all winter; plus climbing a mountain every three or five days all summer, plus lifting weights and exercising and doing therapeutic exercises for weak spots most every day, plus hikes of more than an hour on in-between days really makes me feel mostly vibrant. The catch is that the major outdoors trips last from 10 to 13 hours each time and are difficult for most unless they do it all the time. I carry a 35 pound pack (starting weight) on most trips because I would be embarrassed to get searched and rescued. I can do this stuff because I am a wilderness photographer and can use that as an excuse. I just love it! Whether or not a few hours a day in a gym could do the same I don't know. That's it for what it's worth. Keep on advising! I get a kick out of your interplay.