Eight weeks after that she told me she carried a gene for a rare birth defect and was considering aborting her child due to this defect. She initiated these conversations; I simply listened. Several times she asked me what I thought she should do and almost seemed to relate to me if I were her mom. Although I'm a born-again Christian and would never consider aborting a child, I told her the decision was hers to make and said she had to do what she felt was right.
She went through with the abortion. Immediately after that, she completely changed and started treating me horribly. Before, she'd respected me and told me how much she could learn from me. Now, she makes disparaging comments about me to others, is cold to me and has even told me -- to my face -- that she can't respect my leadership style.
I called her on the carpet several times about her behavior, not realizing the confession might have triggered her reaction. She finally told me that the fact that I knew what she'd done had probably changed her view of me.
This is all too weird for me to figure out and I'd like some advice.
A. Beware of employee confessions. Although many call confession good for the soul, those who reveal deep secrets often regret it. Unlike buyer's remorse, which lets individuals return impulsively purchased products, those who share too much private information can't cram their words back into their mouths.
Equally, exercise caution when employees, particularly those who don't like their own mothers, adopt you as an office mom, as it can load unnecessary baggage on top of what needs to remain a work relationship.
Your employee made a difficult decision, one she knows violates your values. She quite possibly now transfers her anger at herself and the situation she found herself in toward you. If so, this situation won't fix easily. Your options are to put up with bad behavior; hope things get better; or define acceptable behavior and potentially terminate your employee if she continues treating you shabbily.
In messy situations like this, it pays to bring in a neutral third party, whether another supervisor or someone outside your workplace, to cut through the drama and move everyone's focus back to work. Ask this third party to interview your employee, learn her view and potentially call her on her inappropriate thinking.
If your employee voices legitimate concerns to either you or the third party, act on them. We all need regular leadership tune-ups. Conclude this effort by outlining clear expectations to your employee concerning negative workplace talk. Workplace mediator Ramon Wallace also urges you to avoid any other steps across the boss/mother confessor line.
"If your employee brings her personal or medical concerns into any conversation, tell her firmly that you want to discuss work and only work with her."
If this doesn't work, consider termination. Your work relationship got off the track and may never get back on. If you choose this option, realize your employee might sue, alleging you terminated her unfairly due to your feelings about abortion. In this case, a neutral third party who independently and accurately documents problematic work-related behaviors can help you show that your employee helped fire herself.
Lynne Curry is a local management trainer, consultant and syndicated columnist. Her advice and opinion column appears every other Monday. Questions for her column may be faxed to her at 258-2157 or mailed to her c/o Anchorage Daily News, P.O. Box 149001, Anchorage 99514-9001. Her e-mail is lynne@thegrowthcompany.com.
Important warning about e-mails purporting to be from the adn.com staff.