Save me please! Where are all the women who say they can't find a good man? I'm a good man -- at least that is what all my friends say. I'm no Brad Pitt, but no Newman from Seinfeld either. I have a good job. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm easy-going, friendly, honest, faithful, caring and trusting. I love cats and dogs. Aren't these the qualities women are looking for?
I know what you are going to suggest. Try eHarmony or Match.com, right? I have, and I did get a few dates from them, but they turned out to be not what they said, or were too clingy, or lived in the Lower 48, or not what I was looking for, or just flat-out lied. I have had a couple dates on my own the last four years, and one women I thought was possibly turning into long-term relationship. That is until I found out she was married!
All my close friends are married, and know no single female friends. So anytime we get together, it is just uncomfortable for me with all these couples and me. I don't care for the bar scene, would rather go to dinner, a movie, or concert, road trip, picnic in the park or just holding hands and watching the sunset. Or just cook a meal for her at my place, have a glass of wine, and watch a good DVD and cuddle on the couch. I have a lot of love to give, but no one to give it to!
So what do you suggest I do now? Can you help me? It's too late for me to become a monk or a priest!
-- Lonely in the Valley
Wanda says,
If you're telling the truth, then yes, you have all the qualities "the ladies" are looking for. In fact you're kind of a mystery. I'm sitting here trying to think up a good reason why a decent-looking, gainfully employed, faithful man who enjoys wine and cuddling is having a hard time finding female companionship ... nope, not coming to me.
You may be a bit picky possibly. Or maybe you gave up on the dating Web sites too soon. And you do live in the Valley, where the population isn't as dense. Other than that, I'm stumped. But I'm sure that's little comfort to you, so I'll give this my best shot.
I'm sure you've heard the phrase: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." I hereby challenge you to stop doing what you've been doing, and get out there and try new things. Lots of them. Skate skiing lessons, ballroom dancing, travel, group aerobics, book clubs, volunteering, Scrabble nights, music festivals, language classes ... you get the picture. Any activity where half the people there are likely to be women. (Note that poker and sports bars did not make the list.) You'll find yourself outside your comfort zone -- and that's OK. You'll be learning and growing and meeting people and, hopefully, having fun. So get started.
Oh, and try to make it out to Anchorage as often as you can ... I'm not saying citified women outshine country gals; it's just that there are more of us to go around. Best of luck!
Wayne says,
Wanda, your view of the modern dating scene is a little distorted since you spend your Saturdays nights in a knitting circle and your idea of date night includes a mandatory stop at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
For the residents of the dating jungle, life isn't so simple and magical meetings don't unfold like they do in your Harlequin collection. People bury themselves in their iPhones to avoid human interaction in the coffee line. They put a 50-foot stare on their face while they wait to get into the yoga studio. They think commenting on a friend's Facebook status is being a good communicator. And yes, they lie on their dating profiles.
So here's some simple, real world advice for you Valley dude: Embrace the awesomeness of being single! Stay out and sleep in as late as you want! Eat whatever you want, whenever you want! Watch every second of the NFL playoffs doubleheader without leaving the couch! Heck, have the boys over for the games too! Skip a day or two (or 10!) of shaving!
Oh wait, there's more: Date any woman you want!
But I should note here that I sensed some desperation in your letter, and honestly, women can smell it miles away. So relax. Take off the "I love puppies" T-shirt and drop the "I'm a solid guy why aren't women flocking to me" routine.
Yes, the single life can be lonely. But it can also be liberating. Once you accept the great aspects of being single and stop putting pressure on yourself to land a partner, you'll feel happy and at peace. And guess what: That sense of positive, confident contentment on your face will attract women. They'll put down their PDAs and pick up on your vibes. And if you're half as interesting as you say you are, they'll want to get to know more.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.
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