Powerful medications, I've learned, come with rules. I had a minor hand operation but did not get the full load of giggle juice because -- get this -- I forgot and ate nine lousy cashews just before the procedure. Nine. A sin, apparently.
I got fluff, not the cortex-crunchin' stuff that allows you to rap out the drum solo from "In a Gadda Da Vida" with your toes better than any sweaty, all-girl Filipino band in the world. Nine stinkin' cashews. (They're not even nuts, for crying out loud.) I even volunteered to choke. Nobody would listen.
None of that means anything, really, except to get me to this: As I have taken my post-op medication -- which is not bad, really -- I've found my gentler side. I could have, for instance, run over a cat the other day but did not, and in the weepy emotional hurricane that followed, realized I've been wrong about cats -- and Sarah Palin.
I've been mean. Whacking baby caribou with a stick? Shooting a halibut six or nine times? Or was that her kid? Then there's the law-breaking stuff or the dimmest bulb on the tree, or being untalented, or dumb or unqualified, or any of that. Out of line. It's probably still pharmaceutical, but I feel sad about roughing her up over the Alaska Gasline Inducement Act, or Alaska's Clear and Equitable Share oil tax that has made Alaska government filthy rich.
So here we are: Palin plans to tell us soon whether she'll run for prez. As one of her most biting former critics, I am volunteering to be her adviser, the guy behind the guy behind the guy in the meeting who gets to write the books later but spends no time with lawyers or dweebs who talk about tea -- but still gets six figures.
My first advice: Avoid the presidential race. The National Enquirer says Joe McGinniss' book, "Rogue" has "destroyed" you, and, frankly, you dallied too long. The press would label the campaign, "Sarah rides again -- a year too late." Avoid it. There would be reporters. Lots of reporters asking lots of pointed questions. And the field is growing.
Who's out front now? Who cares? More jump in daily. Yesterday it was a straw poll touting Herman Cain. Now it's New Jersey's Chris Christie. Some guy named Marvin Gabenski from Pinto Flats, Ill., may go, too. Obama lost to a table grape in an Iowa poll. None of them count.
To save America, Sarah must support Rick Perry; play him like a fish, without a club this time. He's polite, has dough, but could use some help. These two were born a team. They talk funny, have guns and religion in common and have run large states. Or, Palin has, anyway -- if only briefly. Perry once said, "You betcha!" at a rally. And Hustler sleazeball Larry Flynt has put up $1 million to catch Perry in flagrante, with zip success so far.
Perry can flip-flop with the best; ask Al Gore. She should, I would advise, head fake toward Mitt Romney, then switch for the gold ring -- the Russian ambassadorship from Perry. She could even see it from her house. She and Vladimir Putin could be pals. I wonder where he stands on basketball? Or maybe secretary of state and special parking rates for the bus.
Republicans want somebody on a white horse. Palin is not the one. Crazies and people who still drive Larks will line up behind her. Nobody else. She can be the crazy cat lady. The last of the meds must be wearing off.
Thinking people will wonder whether she would support someone who will stick it to the nation for personal gain, as she did to Alaska. Or whether ACES, to her, might seem just the ticket to destroy what's left of the entire nation's economy, or if AGIA could run gas lines to nowhere in every direction. Abstinence? A church in every school? Vendettas? Is she going to be the kiss of death? This may not work.
My last, best advice is this: President? Are you kidding me, or what? The nation will come to know what we already know: she is nuts, has been nuts and will be nuts, despite anything Paul Revere told the Spanish on his ride in 1943.
Now, if I can just find somebody to work on my other hand. And where is that cat?
Paul Jenkins is editor of the AnchorageDailyPlanet.com.