We've gone to my wife's sister's house for Christmas every year. Her family isn't bad. They drive me a little bit crazy, but that's how it goes with in-laws, I guess.
My family lives closer, but we see them a lot and Christmas isn't as big of a deal to them. Still I feel bad about never being with them on Christmas, especially when my in-laws are annoying me. My wife doesn't like going there every year but she feels obligated, and every time I have brought up an alternative in years past I've gotten shut down.
What I would really like to do is start our own tradition. We have been married nearly 15 years and don't have kids, and I think it would be great to go to Hawaii and spend the holidays somewhere warm and sunny. We are both teachers, so we have the time off and can afford it.
But my wife says Christmas is about family and this is absolutely out of the question, so yet again we find ourselves planning to take the long drive to do something neither of us is crazy about.
I love my wife, but I resent this more and more every year. What can we do?
-- Home for the Holidays (Again)
Wanda says, I feel like we answer a version of this letter every year. Nothing like the holidays to make tensions flare between spouses and among families. The stress, the resentment, the frayed nerves, blah blah blah ... it's an old story, and I'm tired of hearing it. I'm with you! Let's all just go to Hawaii!
Seriously, let's go.
What does your wife fear will happen if you take a trip, just this once? Has she thought about it that way, or is it just the idea of bucking tradition that upsets her? Ask her what she thinks would come of skipping just one holiday get-together -- just one.
Don't frame it as a new tradition; frame it as something special you both would enjoy. It could be something as simple as not wanting to disappoint her family, when in reality they might be a little let down but happy to see you two doing something fun for yourselves.
Just ask her to consider it. It might be too late for this year anyway, so maybe wait until after the holiday when she's on her last nerve as well. Then book the Christmas 2012 tickets to Maui before she has the chance to back out.
Mele Kalikimaka!
Wayne says,
Annoying in-laws. Unbending spouses. Holiday hopelessness. Good times all around the Christmas tree! That's why Santa invented eggnog and rum, I guess.
She is right in that, in many ways, the holidays are about family. But this is no longer about her family or your family -- it's about the family that you two have created together as a couple. After 15 years of marriage and that many years of spending your Christmas with her family, she owes you one. Or 10. It's your turn to pick how the team spends the holidays, or at the very least it's time that your opinion matters.
That is how relationships are supposed to work, right? Communication, flexibility, sacrifice. Sounds like you extend all three to her each holiday season. Now it's time she joins you. You don't even necessarily need to begin a new tradition.
You should simply be able to do something that you both agree on, whether that's staying at home alone, hosting a party, hanging out with parents or traveling to get away from everyone.
We all reach an age when we eventually don't go home for Christmas, yet Christmas and our families still sustain. For most of us, that comes in our early adult years. For your wife, it might be menopause unless you take a stand now.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.
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