Widow wonders about sex, dating in her new world

I am a recent widow and am getting some conflicting ideas about what dating in this day and age is all about. Is it all about hooking up and sex, or is there actually a reasonable expectation that there is conversation and dating before everyone jumps in the sack or wherever people hook up? Do you exchange names, even?

I was in the courtroom recently and heard the prosecutor and detective say that sex in exchange for possessions or money, even blackmail, is normal in a relationship, whether ongoing or one that has ended. Is this true? I always thought sex for money or property was prostitution, and blackmail was against the law. It would really be nice to be able to have a conversation with an adult male, but not if what is expected is sex, first, middle and last before you even exchange phone numbers.

-- Curious

Wayne says,

I'm not positive, but I'm sensing that your commentary is more about society and youth than dating. Then again, whippersnappers from my generation aren't very quick with wit. If you'd like younger readers to truly catch your drift, you should attach a winking emoticon to the end of any sarcastic statement.

Look, I'm not sure how old you are, but dating is the same as it's ever been. What's changed is popular culture and communication. When I hit the dating scene 20 years ago, Al Gore was the only person with the Internet, so there was no Craigslist or HotOrNot.com. You literally had to talk to someone to convince them to go out with you. Unless you were Clint Eastwood or Olivia Newton-John, in which case you just oozed hotness and the opposite sex came running.

Today sex is everywhere -- some people love it, some people hate it. Reality television, movies and music often use sex to drive sales: "Jersey Shore," "Cheaters" and "Maury" know the formula, as do Usher and Katy Perry. And yes, a certain segment of daters look for one-night stands and friends with benefits. Some people even use sex as a tool to get what they want: affection, attention, possessions, feet in their face.

But you must be naïve to think that any of this is new or exclusive to modern America: Elvis shaking his hips, Marilyn pursing her lips, men and women making out after only knowing each other for 45 minutes/three drinks. It's been going on since Adam and Eve.

If you're looking for success on the dating scene, just be yourself and remain true to your beliefs. Follow your heart and you'll end up meeting people who share your desires, whether that means a quick hookup or a long-term relationship. Even jaded widows should be able to figure that out. ;-)

Wanda says,

I'm so sorry for your recent loss. Don't listen to Wayne -- you're not being jaded if, at the end of a long marriage, you look around and find yourself dumbfounded by how things have changed since you met your husband. Rather you're becoming aware of some of the more unpleasant realities about sex and dating in the modern world.

Things have changed, yes. Children are starting to tell one another that their parents met on the Internet. Same-sex couples are getting married and adopting kids. Some sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise in the U.S. (chlamydia), while others are mercifully starting to fall (syphilis).

The more things change, though, the more they stay the same. Prostitution, domestic violence, sexually transmitted diseases, child pornography -- these things are major problems. But like Wayne said, they've always been major problems. It's just that now, thanks in large part to the digital revolution, they're not always behind closed doors.

So it's not that the sadder, seedier side of sex has won. It's just that, like everything else, it's more out in the open. Prosecutors and detectives may have a skewed sense of what is "normal" -- no one I know exchanges sex for money or drugs, and I doubt that's the circle you're running in either.

Go ahead and start striking up conversations with men. Get out; have fun. You'll find that most of them aren't half bad. If any of the men you meet expect sex before they know your phone number, you should probably start looking in different places.

• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.