How far would the GOP hopefuls gathering in the Palmetto State go to protect and encourage capitalism, to ensure it is allowed to work its often rough magic? Which of them would allow winners and losers? Which would understand not everybody or every business can or should be saved in an evolving market?
Capitalism is not for the weak. Our president is unwilling -- unable -- to allow capitalism to work, and there is squishiness among the GOP presidential candidates. Some, "Kamikaze" Newt Gingrich comes to mind, seem to melt into little socialist puddles when confronted by the economic system of hope. But they all have the chance to set the record straight, and it boils down to this: Twinkies.
That's right. Somebody, some enterprising pundit, should ask the GOP wannabes about Twinkies. The "Golden Sponge Cake With the Creamy Filling," the trademark American yummy manufactured since 1930, when Mickey Mouse first appeared in a comic strip and Herbert Hoover cooed "prosperity is just around the corner."
The manufacturer of Twinkies nowadays is wrestling with the same demons every American business faces. What would the candidates do? A bailout? Loans? Government interference? Or would at least some of them let the market decide? There is only one right answer.
The pastry at least deserves respect. The ubiquitous Twinkie, after all, is America. It won several wars, plugged radiator leaks in Jeeps, went to the moon, refloated a sinking Russian submarine, and has a shelf life of something like 81 years. In fact, the very first one is still around someplace. Actually, I read all that on the Internet, and I'm unsure any of it is true, except the manufactured since 1930 part, but Twinkies do have their own website -- the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project. They were subjected to, among other things, heat, gravitational response and radiation tests years ago. They did OK. Kinda.
Legendary San Francisco Chronicle columnist Herb Caen used them to characterize a junk food criminal defense in the murder of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk. This, despite the snack food never being mentioned in the case against murderer Dan White -- who later committed suicide.
Twinkies are manufactured by Irving, Texas-based Hostess Brands, which last year sold 36 million packages of them. It has about 19,000 employees in 49 states, with annual sales of $2 billion.
In addition to iconic Twinkies, Hostess also sells Wonder Bread, the true and only home of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a cornucopia of other snack foods -- Cup Cakes, and HoHos, Suzy Q's, Ding Dongs, Donettes, Mini Muffins, Fruit Pie, Sno Balls, 100-calorie packs, Smart Bakes and, of course, the ever-delectable Zingers.
Americans, unfortunately for Hostess, are on a health kick, and the company sold 2 million fewer packages of Twinkies last year -- even though I held up my end. The company blames obligations of nearly $1 billion in pension and medical benefits, and increased competition, for its problems.
It's seeking Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection -- again. It emerged from protection only two years ago.
Legacy pensions. Medical obligations. Union problems. Does this not sound like the auto industry? Did we not see President Barack Obama, no friend to capitalism or the Constitution, with the slavish help of Congress, spend billions to save the auto industry from mismanagement, antiquated equipment, legacy retirements and unions? (Or give it away to unions, depending on your viewpoint.)
Did Obama and his pals not hand out billions to banks and financial institutions to keep them fat after Congress triggered the worst financial crises in America's history with its "everybody should own a house" idiocy?
Surely, somebody is just dying to throw money at Hostess. Hopefully, none of them is a Republican presidential contender. But Gingrich, Rick Perry and others in the GOP now attacking Mitt Romney for his role in the investment firm Bain Capital apparently are clueless about capitalism. If you have the funding, the brains, the desire and the competitiveness you may succeed. You may not. If your plan is to never allow failure, you need to join the commies.
At the day's end, the candidate who finally gets it right should be president.
Twinkie, anyone?
Paul Jenkins is editor of the AnchorageDailyPlanet.com.
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