He wants to get back together, but mouth gets in way

I've dated my 3-year-old's father for four years and just recently (in December) decided to move out after living together for a year and a half. However, he is now missing me and wants to get back together with me.

He was at my house just the other night and a commercial for a movie about whales came on. Out of nowhere, he made the remark "You are the main star of that movie!" I am 5'4" and 125 pounds.

He has said things like this to me in the past. I let him know how badly that it hurt me, especially since I've had an eating disorder for 10 years. He replied with, "Well if you weren't so insecure, then it wouldn't make you upset."

My question is -- do I give him the time of day anymore, other than allowing him to be the father of my child? Was I overreacting for getting so upset at his "joke"?

-- Confused Over A Whale of a Bad Breakup

Wanda says,

In a word: No.

You weren't overreacting; you were being honest about the painful power words can have on us. And he wasn't joking -- he was cruel and then covered his tracks so he didn't have to apologize, resulting in further cruelty.

All you've told us is this one story, but it's illustrative enough to confirm you did the right thing by moving out. You'll be doing the right thing by moving on. People like this are toxic. It isn't good for you to be exposed to his poison.

So he's lonely and he wants you back? As my mother would say: too bad, sucker.

He can't treat people this way and continue to get what he wants. It's a shame you're the one who will be teaching him this lesson, but hopefully he will learn it and become a better person. You don't need to stick around to see whether that happens. (By the way, you're 5'4" and 125 pounds? Girl, you're a knockout!)

This time, when you break up for good, do yourself a favor: Remain kind but firm. You can use this as a mantra if you like: kind but firm, kind but firm.

It's not for his benefit -- it's for yours and your child's. You owe it to yourself to remain civil, even in the face of his tantrums and vitriol, because it is what's best for your own mental health. Not to mention it will make leaving easier because it will be blindingly obvious who the better person is.

Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to address every guy who is guilty of treating women this way, and say: Knock it off. (Before anyone calls me out: Yes, I know women are capable of ugliness too. But let's just take a moment to examine this particular brand of cruelty men exercise over women, who already have enough to contend with when it comes to body image issues.)

You can't say stuff like this to women. You just can't. You try to pass it off as harmless and jokey, or you apologize for it after the fact. The pain and the torment and the bad energy you've put forth stays with us. Not only can it cause permanent harm, it perpetuates a negative cycle between the sexes. You can never treat a woman this way and expect to receive real love in return, so just stop.

Wayne says,

You got it right the first time, sister -- ditch this dude and move on. He's a burden and a bully, and you will do better without him.

I applaud your humanity and optimism in giving him a second (and third and fourth) chance and for putting your family before yourself. But now that he's fumbled his chance, it's time to focus on how you deserve to be treated and the impression that you both are making on your child. Behavior like this is mean -- it isn't funny, it isn't acceptable. And that's coming from me, one of the corniest jokers you'll find.

Two big keys to successfully going it alone are confidence and strength, and you're continually going to question both in yourself if he's anywhere near you. You took a big step in getting away from him, now take the next step and keep your distance. If he's lonely, that's his problem. He can see your child when it's agreed on, and he can see you during the child exchange. No make-up dates, no TV sessions, no new opportunities. The end.

Good luck. Then again, I don't think you need luck -- you recognized that something needed to change in your life, and you are doing something about it. That's awesome and that's the kind of role model your child needs.

The only tragedy is he won't be around next time you see a donkey on TV, meaning you won't be able to say, "Hey -- there you are!" Then again, donkeys don't appear on TV much anymore anyway, so really, no tragedy at all.

• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.