Ross Douthat: Too many Americans end loneliness with a bullet

By ROSS DOUTHATMay 19, 2013 

Over the past decade, the United States has become a less violent country in every way save one. As Americans commit fewer and fewer crimes against other people's lives and property, they have become more likely to inflict fatal violence on themselves.

In the 1990s, the suicide rate dipped with the crime rate. But since 2000, it has risen, and jumped particularly sharply among the middle-aged. The suicide rate for Americans 35 to 54 increased nearly 30 percent between 1999 and 2010; for men in their 50s, it rose nearly 50 percent. More Americans now die of suicide than in car accidents, and gun suicides are almost twice as common as gun homicides.

This trend is striking without necessarily being surprising. As the University of Virginia sociologist Brad Wilcox pointed out recently, there's a strong link between suicide and weakened social ties: people -- and especially men -- become more likely to kill themselves "when they get disconnected from society's core institutions (e.g., marriage, religion) or when their economic prospects take a dive (e.g., unemployment)." That's exactly what we've seen happen lately among the middle-aged male population, whose suicide rates have climbed the fastest: a retreat from family obligations, from civic and religious participation, and from full-time paying work.

The hard question facing 21st-century America is whether this retreat from community can reverse itself, or whether an aging society dealing with structural unemployment and declining birth and marriage rates is simply destined to leave more people disconnected, anxious and alone.

Right now, the pessimistic scenario seems more plausible. In an essay for The New Republic about the consequences of loneliness for public health, Judith Shulevitz reports that one in three Americans over 45 identifies as chronically lonely, up from just one in five a decade ago. "With baby boomers reaching retirement age at a rate of 10,000 a day," she notes, "the number of lonely Americans will surely spike."

There are public and private ways to manage this loneliness epidemic -- through social workers, therapists, even pets. And the Internet, of course, promises endless forms of virtual community to replace or supplement the real.

But all of these alternatives seem destined to leave certain basic human yearnings unaddressed.

For many people, the strongest forms of community are still the traditional ones -- the kind forged by shared genes, shared memory, shared geography. And neither Facebook nor a life coach nor a well-meaning bureaucracy is likely to compensate for these forms' attenuation and decline.

This point is illustrated, richly, in one of the best books of the spring, Rod Dreher's memoir, "The Little Way of Ruthie Leming," an account of his sister's death from cancer at the age of 42. A journalist and author, Dreher had left their small Louisiana hometown behind decades before and never imagined coming back. But watching how the rural community rallied around his sister in her crisis, and how being rooted in a specific place carried her family through its drawn-out agony, inspired him to reconsider, and return.

What makes "The Little Way" such an illuminating book, though, is that it doesn't just uncritically celebrate the form of community that its author rediscovered in his hometown. It also explains why he left in the first place: because being a bookish kid made him a target for bullying, because his relationship with his father was oppressive, because he wasn't as comfortable as his sister in a world of traditions, obligations, rules. Because community can imprison as well as sustain, and sometimes it needs to be escaped in order to be appreciated.

In today's society, that escape is easier than ever before. And that's a great gift to many people: If you don't have much in common with your relatives and neighbors, if you're gay or a genius (or both), if you're simply restless and footloose, the world can feel much less lonely than it would have in the past. Our society is often kinder to differences and eccentricities than past eras, and our economy rewards extraordinary talent more richly than ever before.

The problem is that as it's grown easier to be remarkable and unusual, it's arguably grown harder to be ordinary. To be the kind of person who doesn't want to write his own life script, or invent her own idiosyncratic career path. To enjoy the stability and comfort of inherited obligations and expectations, rather than constantly having to strike out on your own. To follow a "little way" rather than a path of great ambition. To be more like Ruthie Leming than her brother.

Too often, and probably increasingly, not enough Americans will have what the Lemings had -- a place that knew them intimately, a community to lean on, a strong network in a time of trial.

Absent such blessings, it's all too understandable that some people enduring suffering and loneliness would end up looking not for help or support, but for a way to end it all.

Ross Douthat is a columnist for The New York Times.

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