Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I'd appreciate some insight into the male mind and am hoping you can help. The other night, I'm grabbing a quick bite at a low-key bar in downtown. I was alone and had some work with me and was making progress on that when this really good-looking guy sits down next to me.
He was actually so cute that I was a little intimidated. But he struck up a conversation, and he was really easy to talk to. He kept buying me drinks and suddenly three hours had flown by. He gave me his number, I gave him mine, and I went home feeling pretty happy.
The next day, he texts me. Almost from the beginning, the texts were extremely sexual. He went into great detail about what he wanted to do to me and what he wanted me to do to him. He talked about how endowed he is and warned he might be "too much man" for me.
This came out of nowhere. While our conversation the night we met was flirtatious, it was also completely appropriate. Does he think women find this irresistible? That this is what we want to hear? I have basically gone from being really interested in this guy to hoping I don't run into him again.
Ah, technology. It allows us to do all sorts of once-unthinkable things, including texting super-sexual, over-the-top come-ons to virtual strangers. I'm guessing this guy would have never said these things to your face on first or second meeting. But for some reason, he felt less inhibited about doing it electronically.
How did you respond? Did you tell him the chat made you feel awkward or perhaps try to reroute the conversation? If you have any remaining inkling of liking him, maybe you should suggest a proper date and give him one more shot. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may be incredibly nervous and defaulted to "sexy speak" for lack of deeper conversational skills. If anything, he definitely sounds like he's overcompensating.
Hopefully some men will read your letter and think twice. There are many ways to make a woman feel desirable -- without bragging about your body or sketching out a play-by-play for your yet-to-occur first encounter. In fact, few things crush those first flutters of butterflies than talking to a woman like she's a prostitute.
Yes, this guy's text game is filthy, but I'm not half as offended by that as I am by his nice guy, dirty guy routine. He's Mr. Rogers when he's sitting next to you, then Hugh Hefner over the phone? Brutal!
Some folks get off on sexting, frequenting Casual Encounters, pierced parts, acting out "50 Shades of Grey" (or "Twilight") and diving into the freakier sides of love and life. Hey, let your freak flag fly, y'all! But at least own it.
Fancy yourself an aggressive sex-machine looking for no-strings loving? Don't tiptoe into conversations like a ballerina and then pull out the sledgehammer over the phone the next day! And don't run around dragging clean-living, kink-free folks into your funky stuff.
Maybe he really is a sex-machine who is confused about, or uncomfortable expressing, his true desires. Maybe he's actually a charming, decent guy who doesn't know he can come off as a blockhead. Is it really worth giving him a second chance to find out? Eh. You know what you want out of new flames, and it isn't a potty-mouthed flamethrower. Lose his number.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and believes in retail therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org.