Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it. I broke up with my ex, we'll call her Betty, about three years ago. These days, we don't talk much, but if I run into her (which I do, because Anchorage is small), we will stop and catch up. We might exchange an email every few months. That's it.
About a year ago I started dating Kara. Kara is really cool, fun and beautiful, and things are mostly great. But we always fight about Betty. Kara is convinced we talk all the time and meet up (we don't). Kara thinks it's strange Betty and I are still friends and doesn't want me to have any contact with her.
All this was already an ongoing disagreement but things took another turn recently when I realized Betty was no longer listed among my Facebook friends. I texted to ask if she'd deleted me and she said no way, and asked why I'd even think she'd do that. So then I looked and saw not only had Betty been deleted, but so had all her family.
I always leave my Facebook logged on -- because I have nothing to hide. So I asked Kara the obvious: Did she delete Betty? She got super defensive and said she'd never do such a thing and how dare I accuse her. Since I doubt there's a Facebook bug that deletes ex-girlfriends and their relatives, I'm having a hard time believing her. But I don't know where to go from here.
Deleted and Frustrated
The keystone of every strong relationship is trust, and in your relationship, it's clearly lacking -- on both ends. The fact that you immediately zeroed in on Kara as the probable Betty deleter raises a huge red flag. Obviously, past experiences have left you with the realization that she's totally capable of mining your friend list and snuffing out perceived threats -- and come on, who does that?
Obviously Kara has some issues. You have a choice: coax, nurture and support her, encouraging her to figure out the root of her mistrust and jealousy, or jump ship. If she did indeed delete friends of yours -- and the evidence is pretty damning -- that's a huge breach of trust. Also, if she did do it, she's compounding her errors by lying to you about it. That in itself suggests she's delusional or that she simply thinks you're gullible and stupid.
Benefit of the doubt moment: Let's pretend an ex-girlfriend-deleting virus swept through your computer and Kara is in the clear. She's still trying to tell you who your friends should be, and that might just be a deal-breaker. My advice? Re-friend Betty, and log out of this toxic relationship.
An ex-girlfriend-deleting virus! Awesome! No more cyberstalking from my crazy exes! Now, if the Web geeks could just come up with a girlfriend-drama-minimizing app, life would be so much easier for us men.
No benefit of the doubt necessary in this case -- there's more circumstantial evidence against Kara than (allegedly) felonious footballer Aaron Hernandez. You must drop a guilty verdict on your girl and sentence her to a breakup.
When you're in the shower, you've got to wonder if she's checking your Facebook account, email and text messages now, right? If you think her mistrust levels are off the charts now, how do you think she's going to act when you're married and you come home an hour late from poker night with the boys? Heck, will she even allow you to attend poker night with boys when you're married?
Feeling uncomfortable? Me, too. Unless she comes clean immediately, promises to respect your privacy, sticks to her word, and you feel like you can truly trust and believe her, you've gotta cut her loose.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and believes in retail therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org.