Reg Henry: Yule never catch the spirit in text and Twitter

By REG HENRYDecember 24, 2013 

The Christmas season is meant to be a special time of serenity and contemplation. In the age of instant communication, how we wish that were still true.

Sadly, herewith are the new lyrics of the age:

(begin ital)--

While shepherds tweeted a lot by night

All chillin' on the ground

The message from the cloud came down

On iPhones there around

--

Good King Wenceslas texted out

To his old friend Stephen

Storm Tracker News predicted thereabout

Precipitation deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone their screens that night

Though the service was cruel

When a poor dude came in sight

On a snow day from school

Hither, dude, and stand by me

With your smartphone beeping

Yonder dudette, who is she?

Where's her email keeping?

King, she lives a good ways hence

Tweeting up the mountain

Right against the parking lot fence

Near the mall fountain

Bring me burgers, and make 'em fine

Let us not further dither

Thou and I will see her fine

When we message her hither

Dude and monarch, forth they went

Messaging forth together

Though rude comments they sent

Not all of 'em on the weather

--

Hashtagging through the snow

On a one bar open phone

Over the ether we go

Taking selfies all the way (Lol, lol, lol!)

Bells on Bob's apps ring

Making messages bright

What fun it is to text and ring

A tweeting song tonight

Verizon bills, Verizon bills

Verizon all the way!

Oh what fun it is to text and ride

In a two-thumb escapade, hey!

--

On the first day of Christmas

My true love texted me

U want a partridge in a pear tree?

On the second day of Christmas

My true love tweeted me

OK, two turtle doves and

A partridge in a pear tree

On the third day of Christmas

My true love messaged me

Like, three french hens

Two turtle doves and

A partridge in a pear tree

On the fourth day of Christmas

My true love Instagrammed me

Four calling birds

Three french hens

Two turtle doves and

A partridge in a pear tree

On the fifth day of Christmas

My true love's battery failed

Whatever

--

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house

Not a creature was stirring

Except for the computer mouse

The Wi-Fi was working

Near the chimney with care

To track St. Nicholas' movements

Soon to be there

The children were nestled

All snug in their beds

While visions of Grand Theft Auto

Danced in their heads

And mamma in her 'kerchief

And I in my ballcap

Had just settled before Skype

For a long winter chat

When out on the lawn

There arose such a clatter

I sprang from the screen

To see what was the matter

Away to real time I flew

With no further banter

Grabbing my phone

For a selfie with Santa

-- (end ital)

As used to be said in the olden days when curmudgeons like myself wrote on paper with quill pens plucked from a goose, to the irritation of the fowl, Happy Christmas to all and to all a good-night.

Reg Henry is deputy editorial-page editor for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Email, rhenrypost-gazette.com.

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