Wayne and Wanda: I'm bi, but that hasn't doubled my odds

January 23, 2014 

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I recently came out as bisexual to my friends and family. I had an outpouring of love and support, which was just wonderful, and I'm happy that I could finally show this facet of myself to the world. People keep asking if I found a significant other, an awkward question for any single person. They seem to think that since I'm bi, I have a greater chance of finding, and falling, in love.

Well, that's not the case (how often I wish it was!). I haven't had a date in a few years now, which I've always found perfectly OK in the past, but honestly I would like to find someone. Now, I know the best way to find love is to do things you love, but I am already active in my community -- I go to groups, conferences, community events, the library and coffee shops -- and yet still haven't found a potential romantic partner. I know these things take time, and you can't force it if you don't feel it, but I keep wondering if I'll ever find a second half (of either gender).

-- Sincerely,

Questioning, not life, but love

Wayne says: Sorry, but there's something almost comforting in knowing that in this world of lost and broken hearts someone with twice as many options as most of us is also struggling to find true love. I know, Wanda -- I'm a jerk for even saying that.

That's life and love for all boys and girls though, Questioning. There are no secret answers or magic solutions. Sometimes it's as simple as timing, good luck and blindly stumbling across love. And sometimes you can work your butt off and still suffer through a one-, five-, or 10-year drought. You can find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

And take even more comfort in knowing that you are doing all the right things to find the right guy or girl. You are out there -- active with your passions, open with your heart. Don't let frustration dampen that spirit. The odds are already in your favor, and you're increasing those odds by doing those things you love with a smile on your face. That's magnetic. Want to increase your odds even more? Try online dating, where people just like you are actively and openly looking for love.

Hey, hang in there -- I like your chances.

Wanda says: Wayne's advice in part assumes that dating is a numbers game, and while that is sometimes true, it isn't always the case. In fact, there could be 50 eligible and potential mates in the room and you may not click with any of them.

That's especially true the older we get. You know why? It's not as simple as "all the good ones are taken." Rather, we're more sure of what we're looking for. When you're in your late teens and early 20s, relationships start up hot and fast and are often based on the most tenuous of connections. ("Hey! We're both hot and we go to the same college!" Or, "Wow, I love sleeping with you, and we both work at the same restaurant!")

The older we get, the more we know ourselves. As time passes, we settle into careers and lifestyles, develop deeper, more informed opinions and spiritual beliefs, and understand more about happiness and chemistry. Straight, gay, bi -- doesn't matter. When you know exactly what you're looking for, it's a lot harder to find it amid the masses.

So I'm with Wayne: give online dating a try. People online (especially on sites you have to pay for) are mostly sincere about finding love, which removes some of the guesswork. Even better, you can be extremely picky about your needs and deal-breakers. Filter out those who don't stand a chance, and you'll have a better shot at finding a partner who has the qualities you're seeking. Best of luck.

• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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