Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I met "John" through my roommate. John has been hanging around all summer, during barbecues and campfires in the backyard. We have flirted and flirted and finally the other night we hooked up. And … it was lame. He was super lazy! He basically just lied back and was like, "OK, girl, do your thing." And I was really put off by it all. I want to be wooed and romanced, not do all the work! Is this salvageable? Can I train him? I still think he's cute and fun. I'm just totally unimpressed by his (lack of) moves.
Wanda says:
The good news: they can always be trained!
Women can be very bad about vocalizing their intimate desires. This sometimes boils down to lack of confidence, or a general fear of offending one's partner by suggesting they're sexually inept.
Sometimes, women — people, really — simply don't know what it is we want and therefore are verbally paralyzed in the heat of the moment, unable to articulate what it is we need. We know whatever's happening isn't cutting it, but we aren't sure how to ask for whatever it is we want that we know we aren't getting.
Spoiled by a parade of passive lovers, men therefore often don't realize they're inadequate, lazy, etc. So yes, this is salvageable. Start with the positives: "Oh, John, I really like it when you nibble on my ear." As John's ego soars, introduce a new suggestion: "You know what else I like? …" Trust me, John will be all, well, ears.
Wayne says:
Oh you think he can be trained, huh? Really? Before you get your hopes up, you have to understand that some people are unambitious, uninspired, untrainable and just plain lazy.
You work with these people — they do just enough to keep their job. You play softball with these people — they don't dive for balls or run out at pop flies. You are friends with these people — at parties they show up late without any drinks or snacks and then leave early to go back to their couch. And now you're sleeping with one of these people …
And it did take him, like, forever to hook up with you, right? Red flag. And when you two finally did get busy, he gave it all of the gusto of watching "Matlock" reruns with his grandma, right? Gigantic red flag.
Of course, you have to give him one more shot, right? Maybe he was nervous; maybe it was an off night; maybe he didn't want to pull out his bag of tricks on the first try. But be prepared for this maybe: maybe he's just a charmer in the streets but a dud in the sheets.
Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My partner and I have been together a while now and we have settled into that routine of sex where she knows what I like and I know what she likes and we perform essentially the same routine every night.
It's fine, but I'm bored. I would love to mix it up. I really want her to wear some sexy costumes. I'd like to try to play with some toys. How to do I tell her this without offending her? I don't want her to feel like she's not enough — I really do love this girl. But we need to mix things up.
Wanda says:
Block off an upcoming weeknight and tell her you have a surprise. Tell her to wear something pretty. Take her to Crush or Ginger or some other such place, and have a luscious craft cocktail, maybe an appetizer. Then take her to the Castle Megastore.
Anyone who wants to try something kinky or edgy but is nervous about the seedy side of life, visit this store. Castle is clean and professional, with everything from lingerie to toys to DVDs. Tell your girl, this is your treat: she picks an outfit and a toy, and both will be used that night.
Trust me: she will be so surprised, titillated and turned on that she can't turn you down. By making it her choice, you're making the entire scenario less intimidating, and opening the doorway to an amazing evening.
Wayne says:
I love Wanda's suggestion for a change of pace, so I'm going to suggest a change of scenery. The best way to get out of the same-old, same-old day-to-day routine and get a lot closer with your partner is to take a trip. So I don't care if it's camping in Hope, a long weekend in Seattle or a week away in Maui — get with your partner and make a plan ASAP. Better yet, surprise her with an awesome plan!
There's just something about out-of-town air and ambiance that makes us relax and have fun. On the road, it's just you two, holding hands, talking and laughing, staring into each other's eyes, going on walks in the woods or on the beach, going on adventures and enjoying cheap happy-hour drinks in the city or cheap boxed wine around the campfire. Boom — the perfect preparation for spontaneous sex!
Now you both can get busy and go places you never gone before … in bed. Or in a tent. Ideally, it's in a hotel bed because, of course, room service will provide fresh sheets in the morning. But whatever — go on a trip!
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.