Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I've been single for several years, but not by choice. I'm attractive and successful, but I'm also gay, and while Anchorage's gay community rocks, we're not exactly a thriving metropolis with thousands of potential guys to pick from. I've found lots of good friends here, and some good times here and there, but my last real committed relationship was to a guy who lives in Seattle. I tried the long-distance thing but it wasn't for me.
Things have taken a positive turn though; this summer I met "Paul." Paul is new to Anchorage and came up, like many of us, looking for adventure. This guy is fun, hot and like me, very athletic and into cool outdoor activities. Here's the kicker: Paul is also in his mid-20s (I'm in my mid-30s). It isn't the age difference that bothers me exactly. The problem is Paul didn't come out until college so he's still really exploring his identity and enjoying the freedom of living the life he's always wanted.
The first night we spent together, he was pretty clear that he wasn't looking for anything serious. He then spent the next four nights at my house. We've now been involved for a couple of months and it's only gotten better. He spends most evenings with me, helps out around the house, cooks sometimes, and last week I gave him his own key. We're talking about taking a trip to Hawaii together this winter. Things look and feel serious. I'm ready to call it a relationship.
But Paul has continued to insist that he doesn't want a relationship. I know he sometimes sees other guys and I can't express how much this hurts, but it is what it is. I don't want it to be like that anymore. I think Paul is scared he will miss out on this part of his life but I want to convince him that in Anchorage we are incredibly lucky to have found this awesome connection. How can I get him to settle down and be with just me?
Wanda says:
Gay, straight, white, black, young, old, purple, bi or middle-aged, here's one thing I've learned about men: when you push them to verbally expressing what it is they want, they're generally pretty straightforward.
This is where my girlfriends repeatedly get themselves into trouble; their love interest is clear about what he's capable of — for example, a casual relationship. Yet my lady friends scour things like hot chemistry and acts of kindness for signs that he's actually dying to get married and have kids.
When a partner tells us what it is he wants and needs, it is then our role to receive that, consider it, and decide whether it aligns with what we want. I hate to break it to you, but it seems pretty clear that while Paul likes you a lot and enjoys the comforts of your 30-something life, he also isn't ready to bail on his relatively new out-and-proud bachelor status.
It can be terribly painful and erosive to our self-confidence when someone we love loves us back just enough to hang around, but not enough to call a relationship a relationship. To know that Paul is actively with other men has got to be brutal knowledge to continually process. Clearly Paul makes you happy when he's around. But is this arrangement really good for you?
Wayne says:
I'm sorry, but you aren't pestering Paul into anything because he isn't hearing it. For the first time in his life he's unburdened, empowered, honest with himself and the people around him, and totally happy. He's #winning and you think he's going to let someone lock him up in a LTR (long-term relationship)? LOL.
The only reason he's still hanging around you and your place is because you let him. If you were to draw the line in the relationship sand, he'd walk.
But since you're older and mature, you know this already.
And while Paul might be young and recently out, you're wrong in assuming that he is also naive. I think you — and a lot of people, really — can learn a great life lesson from Paul: being true to yourself.
How refreshing: he's expressed exactly where he's at in his life and exactly what he can handle in a relationship right now. And how frustrating: a guy he likes hanging out with keeps pressuring him about being exclusive and keeps making desperate attempts to corral him.
Desperation stinks like a cheap cologne and its constant presence in the air is a major turnoff. I'm guessing Paul has smelled just about enough. Take a tip from him: keep it real. I know, it sucks that he's awesome and the dating pool is shallow. But don't give someone else the keys to your house and your emotions if they clearly aren't on the same page as you. Act your age, cut Paul off, deal with the heartbreak and keep looking for someone who is amazing and ready to settle down.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.