My girlfriend got laid off, and she won’t let me pay for things. Now our dating life is a lot less fun.

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I moved in with my girlfriend a few months ago and right afterward, she lost her job. She has been applying but nothing has come up. I offered to pay the bills in the meantime and she got offended and said she has money in savings. I think it's the nice thing to do to take on a bigger share in the short-term so she can focus on getting a good job. But she was defensive and said she was prepared for this (she works in the oil industry, and they've had many layoffs lately).

If it was me getting laid off, I feel like I would be grateful if she offered to help. Since she declined that, I have tried to back off and let her do her thing. But now she doesn't want to go out or do anything because she says she is watching her money closely and can't afford it.

Now I'm frustrated. If she had let me pay her bills for just a few months, we could have kept having fun and hanging out – and I know that would have helped her with the stress that unemployment is causing. Instead, she is struggling to pay bills and won't spend any money on anything and our relationship is suffering. What can I do here?

Wanda says:

We women have made such societal leaps and bounds in recent decades, it's so ridiculously hard to accept help sometimes. Your intentions were noble, but she mistook your kindness for you instead presuming she was lost without heroic rescue and unfortunately, this triggered her defense mechanisms and her ultimate rejection of your offer.

What can you do here? Communicate. Explain, plainly and passionately, that your offer came from a place of mutual love and teamwork, and were the tables turned, you'd be grateful for a similar offer. Above all, express confidence in her; getting laid off causes people to feel anxious, distressed and insecure and more than anything she needs to feel confident in her future path forward.

It's a hard time in Alaska. Layoffs are rampant, unemployment is high and our state's future is uncertain. It's easy to get depressed, or to feel unsure, especially when one is in a financially or professionally precarious situation. Make sure your girlfriend knows you recognize and respect these truths and that you stand by, ready to help however you can.

Wayne says:

Wow, it's refreshing to know that pride-induced blindness is an affliction not only suffered by stubborn men!

Look, your girlfriend was financially, and emotionally, stable before you came along and before her job went away. She's used to providing for herself and getting through the hard times by herself. Many of us can relate to that – I certainly can. And if you fall into that category, you struggle with accepting help and support, even from those closest to us.

[When casual dating gets complicated]

Of course, some people can't comprehend this at all. Why wouldn't you accept rent money? Why wouldn't you take my great advice? Why can't you just cheer up, have faith that we'll get through this and continue having fun like we always have? Kind of annoying and patronizing when you read it in print.

Here's an idea: Give your girlfriend the support she asks for, not what you think she wants or should have. Sure, go ahead and surprise her with flowers, dinner and notes/words of encouragement. But don't go forwarding LinkedIn job opportunities to her or visiting her bank to pay the mortgage for the month. Keep pushing and you may find yourself out of business, too.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.