Advice

Should I tell my boyfriend that his best friend groped me when he was drunk?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year and we have a pretty awesome relationship. I am new to Alaska and he grew up here so one great part of our relationship is I have been accepted into this awesome circle of people who have been friends literally for years. Most of them grew up together in rural Alaska and they are super tight.

Here's the problem: A few times, one of his best friends — I'll call him "Bud" — has hit on me. It gets worse. Bud is married to "Betty," another girl from their hometown, who has gone above and beyond to be good friends with me. And Bud hasn't just come on to me verbally; once, he whispered in my ear that he thought I was adorable and he squeezed my butt. Another time, he rubbed my butt while giving me a hug goodbye.

This only happened when Bud was super drunk and he has never mentioned it. In fact, I don't even know if he remembers he did it.

But I feel like I am keeping a secret from my guy and I hate that. But, I don't want to mess up the dynamic by outing his friend. I really have no idea what to do. Advice?

Wanda says:

Man, was I ever inspired recently by our girl Taylor Swift, who successfully sued a groping DJ for a whole symbolic $1 stemming from an incident several years ago when, during a photo shoot, he slid a hand up her skirt and grabbed her bare booty. Expertly prepped, T-Swift stuck to her guns during the trial, and basically said however many ways they pressed and questioned her; she refused to let them make her feel as though she had done anything wrong and she never, ever veered from her story. #girlpower

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It's completely unfortunate and messed up that you are having to deal with the emotional fallout of this guy crossing boundaries and violating relationships, seemingly without remorse. Take a cue from our girl Taytay: This is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong, and this Neanderthal does not deserve your protection.

Yes, it's tricky, negotiating around old friendships and potentially lobbing truth grenades that will ignite hurt feelings, betrayals and more. But what's the alternative? You protect groper Bud, only to have your boyfriend find out that his bro fondled you and you kept quiet? No bueno. The major takeaway here is you did nothing wrong. So continue to stay in the right and be forthright with your man about his handsy buddy.

Wayne says:

Word to Wanda. Word to Taylor. And word to any woman, or anyone, who doesn't let sexual assault or inappropriate comments or actions of any type slide. Sure, it's easy to say from behind this keyboard and easy to fight if you're a megastar and megamillionaire with megalawyers and a megabrand like Taylor Swift.

Not so easy or cut-and-dry when you're new on the job and it's your boss or co-worker being a creep, or when a family member, close friend or a friend of a friend is acting inappropriately. But wrong is wrong, and I'm hopeful that Taylor standing up for what is right in such a powerful way and on such a large platform empowers people to stand up and speak up about all assaults and inappropriate actions.

Your case isn't about the drunken donkey. It isn't about your boyfriend's lifelong friendship with the donkey. It's about you feeling safe, comfortable and respected. So, as awkward as this may be to broach, you need to tell your boyfriend the truth: that his buddy is a habitual line-stepper who touches you and talks to you inappropriately, that the thought of spending time around him makes you feel uncomfortable if not sick, and that you are no longer willing to hang out with him. Period.

No excuses for his being drunk. No easing off because your boyfriend thinks he's usually a really cool dude.

This should immediately feel like a weight off of your shoulders — no more hiding things from your boyfriend, no more future encounters with the donkey. If your boyfriend is truly awesome, he'll understand and have your back. If he doesn't, he's also a donkey who needs to be kicked to the curb.

Relationships are constantly evolving — you and your boyfriend will have a stronger bond moving forward from this. Your boyfriend and his buddy will sever ties. Perhaps after some time passes and a genuine apology comes from the donkey, you may feel comfortable barbecuing with the crew again. But until then, don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. Feel empowered. Feel comfortable. Feel safe.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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