Advice

Readers had a lot to say after one woman’s letter about open marriage

Readers had lots to say about last week's column, where a lady letter-writer lamented learning that her bestie was enjoying an open marriage. The woman worried this frisky couple might attempt to seduce her and her husband — who, incidentally, seemed pretty curious about the whole arrangement. At best, she was simply uncomfortable with the concept, and unsure how her supposedly dear friend could have kept such a secret.

Wanda and Wayne essentially advised she relax and curb the judgment. Readers offered similar sentiments, and then some. Here are the highlights.

Dana Jean wrote, "Wow. Being in an open relationship and/or being attracted to the same gender as you does not mean that your friend is sexually interested in you. At all." Many others echoed this aghast reaction.

Wanda says:

If you tried to logic this out, the assumption would then be that every man wants to hook up with every woman, and every bisexual woman wants to hook up with everyone, etc. We are attracted to specific people for specific reasons and typically people have pretty strong filters in place when determining whether someone is even a viable option.

Wayne says:

Yeah, just because you're open for business doesn't mean you don't have the right to refuse service … No shirt, No shoes, No shaving, No service! We've all got our turn-ons, hang-ups and deal-breakers. So just because someone has multiple partners doesn't mean they want to add you to the mix.

ADVERTISEMENT

A reader named Kelly Jo wisely suggested our skeptical wife sit down with her friend and be candid about her discomfort. "Most people who live alternative lifestyles are used to people being awful to them when they share private stuff like this." Airing her anxiety might help everyone involved, Kelly Jo said.

Wanda says:

I couldn't agree more. Sometimes we simply need to voice our concerns to alleviate them.

Wayne says:

It would be ridiculous to lose a close friend because you're unnecessarily uptight. Communication will ease the tension, clear the air and put the relationship back on track.

Plenty of readers were plainly baffled by the concept of an open relationship. Some argued any nonmonogamy is simply unethical. A guy named David said, "Please, if you want to have sex with other people then be single, don't be in a relationship or marriage."

Wanda says:

While plenty of people expressed similar sentiments to David's, just as many said, basically, to back off. Their point: what happens in a relationship is private and personal and if two people agree to nontraditional terms, then why shouldn't they do what they want? I tend to agree. Most folks in nonmonogamous relationships know it takes a unique combination of trust and openness to have three or more people in the relationship, and it simply wouldn't work for everyone. Similarly, one-on-one eternal monogamy isn't universally pursued and embraced.

Wayne says:

Hey, everyone has their opinions and good for them. The point they're missing with statements like that is this couple has figured out what works for them. They aren't cheating or being unethical. Quite the opposite – they've clearly been upfront and shared their wants and needs with one another, and ultimately that has made their communication and partnership stronger. How can you judge that? Heck, this is what we should all strive for in our relationships – maybe not necessarily of their sexual lifestyle, but how to build a rock-solid, long-lasting relationship.

Finally, a few suspect the writer's husband's curiosity about their friends' polyamorous lifestyle might hint at his own urges. Said Mary, "The husband is dying to try this new twist. Probably will, testing to see if she's receptive; if not, will do it on the sly."

Wanda says:

Here's the thing about open relationships; both partners have to be unequivocally and equitably on board for the vulnerability, experimentation, and potential judgment and stigmatism that comes along with it. If one simply goes along with it to appease the other, and feels physically or morally opposed to the experiment, trust me: nobody will get a happy ending in that scenario.

Wayne says:

I still think that this guy is simply doing what a lot of men do when they are uncomfortable with a topic – make a joke out of it. He's talking a big game behind the scenes, but he's harmless. If he keeps it up, maybe wifey could call his bluff and see how he responds to the thought of his her sleeping with someone else. Not so funny anymore, I'm guessing.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

ADVERTISEMENT