Hi Wayne and Wanda,
I have been with my boyfriend (I'll call him Jason) for a few years now, and we are in a very happy relationship. We love each other and each other's families. My family loves him and his family loves me, too. However, his family also loves his ex (I'll call her Taylor).
His siblings are extremely close with Taylor, and the family even invited her to a family member's graduation (unbeknownst to us, leaving me feeling sick to my stomach the entire time). Taylor likes and comments on Jason's family's Facebook posts constantly, and vice versa. It seems like she is more a part of the family than I am.
I understand that when someone has been a friend of the family for a while, it can be difficult for them to simply disappear, and I do not expect that to happen. However, she is lingering like a toxic cloud and she has treated me and Jason horribly as well. Jason's family isn't aware of everything, though he has expressed his discomfort with the situation as a whole, and asked for both our sakes that we get some heads up before Taylor is invited anywhere with all of us in the future. Jason asked his family to consider my feelings and they were totally understanding and great; however, this closeness will not stop bothering me.
I am not the jealous type, and this wouldn't even bother me if she were a better person, but I do not like Taylor for a multitude of reasons. She cheated on Jason when they were together, owes him thousands of dollars and treated me like dirt when we met after she found out I was dating her ex (again, Jason's family is blissfully unaware of much of this and he doesn't feel comfortable disclosing it all to them).
My boyfriend and I have talked this over multiple times, but nothing has been solved. I wish he could explain to his family exactly how she has treated us so they can understand our discomfort, but he doesn't want to start drama. But this has been depressing me for months and I need some advice. What can we do here?
Wanda says:
First off, hats off to you for the patience you've no doubt had to exercise to continue to cope with the omnipresent Taylor. She sounds like a piece of work, and I'm sure it's been challenging, frustrating, irritating and everything in between.
I can relate to your predicament. I bet many people can. In the era of social media, our families more quickly, easily and readily connect to our partners; in the process, they're able to go completely around us and outside our primary relationship with our partner to engage — and to continue to significantly engage even when that person is no longer our significant other. This can leave us feeling like our own feelings and experiences are, well, insignificant.
I'm amazed by your endurance. It's been several years that you've dated Jason and yet Taylor maintains Stage 5 Clinger status. This tells me that Jason's family is actually quite warm, welcoming and nostalgic. These are excellent traits — except when you're the new girl grappling for a place in the family tree, and definitely not trying to compete with the ex who treated Jason badly all those years ago.
So what to do? Jason isn't being much help, alas. Do you have an ally in the family? A sister you've bonded with? An uncle who adores you? This could be a place to begin, and secure an ally. But honestly, you've got to get Jason on board here. His aversion to drama has to be less important than your comfort. You're his partner, therefore you should be the priority. Frankly, if you can't get him board, it's a major — perhaps insurmountable — problem.
Wayne says:
Forget the sister/uncle/ally approach. Heck with asking the family for a heads up on when Taylor expects to make a social visit. It's time to take your boyfriend to the family dinner table and give them the 411 on his ex and how her presence is impacting your relationship and your important family time.
Taylor isn't family. She isn't even dating family anymore. Jason's family might be the sweetest, most welcoming people in the world, and good for them. But if they truly care for the feelings of their son and the woman he's been seriously dating for a long time, they will TKO Taylor. They don't have to be mean about it. They just have to put their priorities in the right place — with you two. Sorry, Taylor, this event is family only.
Why is this so difficult for you or Jason to bring to the family? Taylor is nothing but bad news and bad memories from the past who is continuing to haunt your present and loom over your future. Do you want that? No.
Honesty and communication and partnership have worked wonderfully for you and Jason. Sounds like you guys are rock solid. Congratulations — you're going to be great. Now use those powerful and personal tactics on the parents and family members. Once they hear the real deal — and I mean all of the dirt — it shouldn't be too difficult for them to make her an ex, too.
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