Alaska News

This guy should keep looking for that amazing woman

Dear Wayne and Wanda:

So I finally met somebody amazing! She's smart, sweet and beautiful. We're in the same age and income brackets. We've hung out four times and had great chemistry on each date.

Perfect, right? Not exactly. She's a terrible communicator, in a modern sense. Our conversations are incredible, but when we aren't together, it's almost impossible to connect with her. It takes hours for her to respond to text messages, if she replies at all. She never answers her phone, and it's a crapshoot if she returns my voice mails. I'm not even sure if she reads her e-mails, honestly, but I know she hasn't replied to the handful I've sent.

We are all inundated with communication and information these days, and I really appreciate wanting to feel as disconnected as possible when we aren't at work or at our desks. But at the same time, it's incredibly frustrating to have this awesome connection with someone, then to reach out and most times get nothing back. I was going to talk with her about this the next time we hung out, but she hasn't replied to any of my messages in a week!

Do you think it's a communication thing or something else? Should I stay the course, be patient or move on?

-- Can you hear me now?

Wayne says,

ADVERTISEMENT

My friend, while you're typing away to her on your iPhone, she's playing you like a free app.

In a situation like this, it's wisest for you to assume worst-case scenarios about why she's not hollering back. Let's examine a few:

She's playing hard to get. Really, really hard to get. We all love dating games, right? Well this is the most entertaining ... at least for her, as she sits back and watches you beg and bend over backwards to win her attention. Fun stuff!

She's too busy to reply because she's dating seven other guys. Hey, all's fair in dating, right? But it will get awkward when you keep running into -- and she keeps hugging -- dudes she's dating everywhere you go.

She's got baggage. She's slow-playing this relationship because she's dealing with other more pressing issues in her life. Like her crazy job. Or her crazy mom. Or her crazy ex. Or her crazy imaginary friend. But you're the crazy one if you want any part of any of that.

She's not into you. Boom. There it is.

On that note, let's end with a best-case scenario:

She's actually into you, but she's a terrible communicator.

If you think connecting with her is frustrating now, imagine how difficult it's going to be when you have serious topics -- sex, moving in together, marriage -- to discuss down the road.

I know it's frustrating, but since you just started dating, she doesn't owe you any answers -- though it would be the adult thing for her to give you some. Now it's up to you to decide how long you want to keep throwing words and energy into dead air space. I say you save your time and witty texts for someone who has the decency to reply.

Wanda says,

Oh Wayne, why do you always have to assume the worst? Maybe this gal is a terrible speller who is too embarrassed to send text messages, while simultaneously suffering from laryngitis, rendering telephone conversations impossible! Or she has amnesia! Ooh! Perhaps she was kidnapped by angry baboons!

It seems I'm always hearing that people are "inundated with communication and information these days." I don't know. Personally I don't feel like there's enough communication ... at least, not enough of the good kind. At any rate, here's the truth: Even when there were no such things as mobile phones and the Internet, people who liked each other figured out how to spend time together. How do you think your grandparents hooked it up, for heaven's sake?

If she gets in touch with you, you can address the communication issue then. But don't hold your breath. You've all you can do -- quit pestering her, or she'll go from thinking you're a nice guy whom she just didn't quite click with to thinking you're a weirdo stalker dude.

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

ADVERTISEMENT