Alaska News

Boyfriend doesn't want to socialize with her parents

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I have been dating my boyfriend for six years. Every time my parents come to visit us we usually go out to dinner or lunch. My boyfriend does not like to join us. He even told me why -- he thinks they don't like him, so why should he go to dinner? I've had to make excuses for him on why he is not there. He even decided not to come down to my parents' for Thanksgiving dinner one year!

I know it isn't true that they don't like him. If he made an effort and showed up once in awhile, they would like him. I'm considering breaking it off because I don't want to keep making excuses for him. I make an effort with his family; I would expect the same from him. Please advise!

-- Caught in the Middle

Wanda says,

I suspect you came to us because you require backup for the argument you know you ought to be winning: Your guy needs to be friendlier with your family or you're walking.

And why do you require backup? Because you've been acting like a doormat! He gets away with weaseling out of family fun because all this time you've been letting him. Six years of dating! And still this guy won't suffer through the occasional lunch with mom and dad, who from the sound of it don't even live in the same town.

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I don't care if your parents are Cruella DeVil and Count Dracula -- they're your parents, and he's your boyfriend, and they need to make nicey-nice. A friend of mine is married to a gal whose relatives positively snarl at him, while he continues to be sweet as pie at every family function. Why? He loves his wife, and he's taking it as an opportunity to be the bigger person. That's how mature people roll.

It's well past time to put your foot down. Make sure your boyfriend knows you'll no longer be covering for him (otherwise known as lying to your own parents -- not cool). Tell him how important it is to you for him and your folks to get along. It's OK to remind him how you do the same for him, and it's even OK to tell him that his lack of support makes you question whether you should even be in a relationship. That should get his attention.

Of course, there's always the possibility that you may not get the reaction you're looking for. But if you don't, wouldn't that also tell you everything you need to know?

Wayne says,

Sorry, but you're all missing the big issue here: Parents always buy, right? And you're telling me that your boyfriend, an otherwise healthy American man, is passing up free meals? Real men do not pass up free meals -- or free tools, or free auto parts, or free anything, for that matter. So yes, there is something fundamentally wrong with him.

Which leads me to the secondary concerns: His avoidance of your parents and his lack of support for you.

Great future in-laws are a bonus, not a given. If you're in a committed adult relationship, you deal with them either way -- or, as Wanda puts it, that's how you roll (I guess Wanda's finally gotten around to listening to my Summer Jamz 2005 mix tape!). There are many grenades you jump on for your significant other -- in-law visits; work parties; trips to Bed Bath & Beyond; trips to ultimate fighting bouts.

After six years it still doesn't sound like your man is ready for that. He's too insecure or too unsure of his commitment to a future with you to be the partner you deserve. Don't believe me? I hate to channel Dr. Laura here, but what kind of guy dates a girl for six years without presenting a big ol' diamond ring?

I'm sure there are a few good reasons why you've stayed with him so long. To be fair to him and your history, you have the talk, you give him a chance to step up, and then you respond. Afraid of confrontation? Consider: Do you want tension at your wedding (if it ever happens)? Do you want your children (if they ever happen) to follow dad's lead and avoid Grandma and Grandpa?

• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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