Alaska News

Miller is full of whoppers, and they keep getting bigger

So, I'm talking to my buddy, Izzo, the other day about Alaska politics.

We don't yak about it much anymore because he gets nuts. You wind him up; the next thing you know he's chucking a beer mug through a computer screen. The cops even had to come once.

Izzo, it turns out, is really amped about the upcoming Alaska U.S. Senate election, where the Outside-funded Tea Party Express managed to toss up for grabs a perfectly safe GOP Senate seat -- one with a head start on seniority.

My pal really admires Joe Miller. He even fidgets when he talks about him. It's creepy.

"This guy knows the secret," Izzo says, getting worked up. "He knows it.

All you have to do to make it big in Alaska politics is tell whoppers and believe them -- not act like you believe them; you believe them.

"The bigger the fib, the better. It's like that Hitler deal, lie and lie large, or something like that. It helps, of course, if your audience is dumber than a wet sock.

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"That mook with the Democrats, McWhatshisface, can't even answer questions. My man Miller makes up the questions -- and the answers, too. He's great."

I found myself inching away. The signals were painfully obvious. He had a beer mug. There was a computer screen. It's time to hat up.

"Suckers," he says, chuckling to himself. "You just need suckers. Miller has more suckers than an octopus."

I sat back down. Izzo may be onto something, I'm thinking.

So, what about Miller makes you think he's the guy in November? I asked.

What's the big whopper du jour?

"The big whopper?" he asks. "He's got tons of big whoppers. That's the other thing he gets. How about the increased-power-for-Alaskans and less-federal-dependence thing? What does that mean? At the same time, he's yapping about Alaska getting its fair share. That's just Alaskan for 'gimme.'

"How about the 'entitlement state'? It makes you wonder whether he pockets his Permanent Fund dividends or banked any of the free dough from his mentor, the lovely Sarah P., our former half-governor. How about his earmarks whopper? It's my favorite."

Is that where he vowed as senator to end evil earmarks to Alaska, hoping the rubes would not catch on until after he is elected?

"That's right," Izzo says. "Now, after the primary -- after the suckers bought in -- we're told the earmarks pledge is sprouting strings. His people tell The Hill newspaper it is only operative if the rest of Congress goes along. What are the odds?

"He also hooked up with Citizens Against Government Waste to wipe out earmarks, and he signed something called the "Contract From America," which calls for an end to them until the federal budget is balanced.

"It's all for show."

Do you think, I asked, that your Mr. Miller even knows what earmarks are; that they are nothing more than congressionally directed spending instead of spending directed by the president; that they are about 1 percent of the budget? Does he know they do not add a penny to the federal budget; that if not spent here, they would be spent elsewhere; that wiping them out would return much of Alaska to Third World conditions?

"He may not. But he doesn't care," Izzo says. "He believes. The rubes believe. That's the deal."

What about the federal spending he promises to cut? And Social Security? Increased development? What about personal freedom, smaller government, the Constitution, and all the rest?

"Same thing. He's not doing any of that. It's only important the suckers believe it and don't catch on that it will be years before he would get anything but a dirty look from the Senate," Izzo says.

So, what you are telling me is that not only did he lie about Lisa Murkowski and her stands on the federal stimulus, abortion and Obamacare during the primary, his campaign planks and his promises to voters are shaky, too? I ask.

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"I'm just saying," Izzo says. "Ya gotta love this guy."

Why would anybody buy this stuff? I ask. Miller's a guy who, three days into the story, did not even know some preacher was about to burn Qurans in Florida. How could any Alaskan be manipulated into backing him? How long before his supporters get it? Who are these people?

"Suckers," Izzo says with a big smile. "Suckers."

Paul Jenkins is editor of the Anchorage Daily Planet.

PAUL JENKINS

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Paul Jenkins

Paul Jenkins is a former Associated Press reporter, managing editor of the Anchorage Times, an editor of the Voice of the Times and former editor of the Anchorage Daily Planet.

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