Dear Wayne and Wanda:
I found out that my boyfriend is cheating by logging into his Facebook account and reading his messages. He doesn't know that I know his password and have lied about not reading his messages in the past. How do I confront him about it?
You don't. Why would you? Look, I've been cheated on, and I get it: You want to bust him. You want him to squirm. But if you confront him with your sneakily obtained evidence, you're 'fessing up to your own shady research. Your "gotcha" would give him ammo to justify his own actions. He might even flip it and focus on your breach of trust rather than his philandering.
To be clear, I'm not saying that lying about having his password or reading his messages is as bad as his apparent infidelity. It's not. But this is a case of one betrayal for another.
In the end, you both behaved badly and mutual trust is blown. Hacking is whack and you've shot yourself in the foot. Take the leg you've got left to stand on and bounce. His head's clearly not in this game anyway.
Don't bother admitting to your cyber-prying. Instead, learn from it and make some positive changes. Realize that snooping into someone else's email and messages is bad news. It's too easy to read between lines and misinterpret missives. Plus the evidence is useless -- like robbing a bank and ending up with marked bills you can't spend.
In your next amorous pursuit, target open communications and trust. Be classy. Then, if he turns out to be a jerk, you can deservedly take the ultra-satisfying moral high road.
Breaking hearts and robbing banks, Wanda? You're a regular Thelma or Louise! Hacking is whack? You're also a regular Whitney Houston! Too soon? OK, fine.
Hey, some folks live by the adage that all is fair in love and war, which would certainly allow for the hacking of a soon-to-be-former BF's FB account in the event of self-defense or even temporary insanity. But now that you have the evidence, what are you doing with it? You certainly haven't gained resolution or peace from it. Shocker! Even worse, you've got dirt on your hands now too, and you clearly aren't comfortable with it.
Ultimately, this really isn't the way you want to live, is it? Stealing passwords. Sleeping next to a philanderer. Biting your lip. Wondering what's next. It's time to take control of your life and wipe your hands of this whole mess. First step: ditching this dude. You can throw the evidence in his face if you want or just tell him that he's a jerk and it isn't working out -- again, all is fair. High road, below the belt, whatever.
The important thing is that you move past this immediately and then take some time to examine the relationship decisions that pulled you away from the standards and morals you used to live by and how you want to live and love moving forward.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org.