Alaska Ear

Sheila Toomey

QUESTION . . . Was it mean of Jeff Landfield to announce he's running against Sen. Lesil McGuire the same week she got married? Landfield is going after Lesil in the August Republican primary. Looks like he's a soldier in the Kill-the-Coalition troops who hope to defeat moderate Republicans and insure the chuckleheads get to run the Senate into a tree next year.

Landfield is an IT guy who's lived here since 2004. He had told the Alaska Dispatch he was going to run for a House seat but apparently changed his mind, drawn no doubt to the nobler mission.

As for his ruining Lesil's happy wedding day, Ear can't be too critical. How many happy wedding days should one bride get?

AND ONCE AGAIN . . . Don Smith is making a play for that Anchorage Senate seat with no incumbent. It's not exactly news that he's running for office -- seems like he's always running for some office or another. He was an Assemblyman back in the last century. Right now, he's on the Anchorage School Board and had the pleasure of presiding over the 2012 crop of graduating seniors, which included two of his granddaughters.

Anyhow, earwigs have only noticed Don's latest efforts because he's produced the weirdest political ad so far this year. It's hard to describe except to say it's all about gardening. If there's a metaphor there, Ear couldn't find it, but who doesn't love a bunch of beautiful flowers.

BREAKING NEWS . . . CBC national affairs expert Greg Weston reported this week that Canada is closing its Anchorage trade office. Its duties, whatever they may have been, will reportedly be transferred to one of Canada's larger consulates in one of its U.S. regions, wherever they are.

Is it wrong of Ear not to be distraught over this? Whatever it is? If it's even true?

TUNDRA PORN? . . . Men's Health magazine dished up one of those suspect "studies" to find out which American cities are the most pornographic -- "smuttiest" is their word. And guess what, Anchorage is No. 9, right after Tampa and before Austin. They claim to have counted adult entertainment stores, rate of porn searches on Google, the number of streamed adult DVDs, blah, blah, blah.

Orlando ranked first -- is Disney World offering something they don't advertise on TV? Vegas is second and Wilmington, Del., third. Wilmington?

Very interesting but, really, do Alaska women need statistical proof that, although the odds aren't as good as they used to be, the goods are still depressingly odd?

CSI . . . So, you're driving down the highway, 10 or 15 miles over the speed limit, and you notice the license plate on the dark blue (or is it black?) SUV in the next lane, the one you're gaining on. It reads "FBI AK." What do you do?

Don't lie. You do the same thing Ear does. You slow down. You try to do it casually. Don't want to attract attention. After all, it's a cop car, right?

Wrong. When MJ Thim, development director for the Stone Soup Group, noticed his new SUV looked like an undercover law enforcement vehicle, he decided to play to that motif -- he got a vanity plate that reads FBI AK. He tried CIA and DEA and several others before DMV accepted his application. It has led to any number of amusing stories, including a radio report that a building where he happened to be parked was being raided. In this case, CSI equals Crime Scene Impersonation?

Stone Soup is a nonprofit that provides services for families of children with special needs. Their next event is a walk for epilepsy. Thim says drivers slowing down to the speed limit is a good thing for everyone so he's cool with it all.

Ear says nobody who sees him get in or out of the rig is going to be fooled. He has blue hair. (Don't ask.)

DO SEND A FONDU . . . to Saima Johnson and John Chase, wed Friday in Anchorage. Saima is a granddaughter of Doc Harris, the storied Northwest dog musher and last carrier of mail by dog team. John is the Alaska actor who plays Roy in "Big Miracle," better known as The Whale Movie.

KUDOS . . . Looks like former ADN photographer Jim Lavrakas' book goes to the printer next month for a November publication date. It's called "Snap Decisions" and features all those famous news photographs we remember from the past 30 years.

PROOF . . . It's depressingly cold but the tourist season is on us nevertheless. Earwigs know this because a new edition of Real Alaskan Magazine is out. As usual, it's a massive spoof that mixes real ads and news stories with fake ones:

"Make your car look like a real Alaskan vehicle! One quick application of RUST ON! Will give your car that "Alaskan" look that normally takes decades! Spray it on! Watch it rust! ... Harvesting visqueen -- an Alaskan tradition. ... Substantial deposits of olive oil were discovered last month in the small Arctic community of Barrow ... Beginning this month, Alaskan Airlines will be using wood-burning jet engines on most of its flights."

And so on. It's a Jeff Brown production.

Compiled by Sheila Toomey Message Sheila at Find Ear at Sunday evening.

Anchorage Daily News