A recent Men's Health article offered seven tips for picking up women on the beach. It also cited an encouraging statistic for lonely Alaska boys: Some 72 percent of women have had a summer fling.
Could these pick-up tips work in the Last Frontier, too? Perhaps if we re-framed the topic and made it all about picking up women at the campground or trail head. Wayne and Wanda weigh in on summer flings and outdoor things.
Tip 1: "Set Your Stage." The Men's Health article suggests guys use solid-colored towels since women "subconsciously associate stripes and patterns with children."
WANDA SAYS: Seriously? Ha. What about leopard print? That does not make me think of children.
WAYNE SAYS: In Alaska, polar bears associate stripes with dinner. Camouflage, however, is a total turn-on for many Alaska men -- if they can see you, that is.
Tip 2: "Meet Her Needs." The tip says men should carry sunscreen, water bottles, sports gear, etc. so he will be a "source of aid and comfort."
WANDA SAYS: Alaska version: Haul around bug spray, Afterbite and maybe duct tape, and a lady might holler. Except -- Alaskan women already carry all this stuff, because we're self-sufficient and awesome. Sorry guys.
WAYNE SAYS: You forgot the Leatherman and blue tarps, Wanda. Boys, with those items and Wanda's duct tape, you can build a lean-to of love for any woman you're trying to win over.
Tip 3: "Go au Naturel." The writer says showered, hair-gelled guys come off desperate -- that 68 percent of women polled prefer confidence to abs.
WANDA SAYS: This tip translates to our tundra and turf perfectly. Alaska men, you don't need to try that hard. Rugged is hot, any time, any place. Rumpled, soft hair makes us want to run our hands through it. And hair gel on the beach? Weird.
WAYNE SAYS: I'm not sure what smells worse: a lonely man's desperation or an Alaska woman's hoodie after three days around the tent, bug spray and campfire.
Tip 4: "Wait Your Turn." Don't butt in when she's relaxing.
WANDA SAYS: So true. Think of it like making a move during a sports game. You don't slam up against a defensive wall. You'll fail for sure. Wait for an opening, then go for it. You might score. Or at least hit the rim.
WAYNE SAYS: Wanda, leave the sports metaphors to the pros. Boys, if you want to hit a home run on the outdoor love front, "accidentally" overthrow your football or Frisbee in a cute lady's direction. Especially if she's relaxing and doesn't see it coming. Totally subtle; works every time.
Tip 5: "Decode Her Bikini." Apparently some lady with a Ph.D. told the author that neon thongs mean women are attention-starved, but those who wear one pieces are "more sophisticated and less frivolous."
WANDA SAYS: That is totally why I wear a one piece.
WAYNE SAYS: That is totally why I wear a thong.
Tip 6: "Flatter Her Figure." Because, says the author, "Eight out of 10 women said they'd like a compliment about their body"
WANDA SAYS: So you have an 80 percent chance of saying the right thing? Try something relatively harmless to start -- that you like her eyes, or her smile. But don't get too lovey-dovey. You're gunning for a fling, not a ring.
WAYNE SAYS: 80 percent? I like those odds. Better than the 12 percent us boys usually get when approaching strangers. Take Wanda's advice and say whatever you need to say to increase your odds. You can always be yourself later.
Tip 7: "Group-Think." This tip suggests you don't approach a solo female but look for packs of threes or -- if there are guys around -- befriend the dudes before chatting up the chicks.
WANDA SAYS: Don't ignore her too long. She'll read it like you aren't interested at all.
WAYNE SAYS: Befriending dudes? Boring. I find women more susceptible to charm and conversation when they're alone. And if it blows up in your face, fewer people are there to laugh at you.
• Wanda is a wise woman who has loved, lusted and believes in retail therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org.