Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have an ongoing sexual relationship with a long-distance partner, resulting in a kind of a "sailor returning to port" scenario whenever she's in town. We are both anxiously looking forward to our next meeting, and we've exchanged lots of images and videos in anticipation.
Do you have any advice to ensure that the thrill of anticipation doesn't overshadow the reality? Also, what hotel do you think we can best use to get our kink on without giving some cruise ship passenger a seizure? Please don't say the Black Angus. We are classy-ish folks.
-- Long-Distance Lover
With texting, chatting and Skyping, for better or worse, long-distance romance ain't what it used to be. Even Merriam-Webster agrees: The word "sexting" was among 2012's new dictionary entries. It gives a naughty new meaning to "reach out and touch someone."
But your concern is valid; digital over-stimulation can lead to underwhelming sex. It's sometimes easier to swap steamy sentiments, express bold needs and trade scandalous images from afar than face to face. Exuberant chatting can escalate into a flurry of desirous promises: "When I see you, I'm going to do (X), (Y) and (XXX) to you." Then you finally meet and are jet-lagged or have too many cocktails and the real-life rendezvous is just a Zzzzzz. No bueno.
Keep your e-exchanges in check to avoid overkill. Send sexy images as a treat, not a daily deed. Chat about normal day-to-day stuff to remember this is a regular person, not a one-dimensional porn star.
As for location -- my first thought was, what's wrong with wherever you live? That aside, perhaps take it outside. The Anchorage Press' 2010 readers poll named Flattop and the Coastal Trail as the best spots for outdoor amor. Trip Advisor can give you a list of top-rated hotels. Avoid the downtown junket to skip the cruise ship sect.
The conveniences of modern technology -- ain't they nifty? Why spend time getting to know someone when you can troll their Facebook profile? Why invest in three or four dates before getting busy when you can trade naked pictures before your first meeting? Why waste your breath whispering sweet nothings in someone's ear when you can text emoticons to them? Why temper your eagerness between dates when you can get busy with someone (sorta) via video every night?
Sure, online dating has brought together millions of singles who may have never met, and texting, chatting and Skyping have connected us with friends and loved ones over long distances. The price to all this connection is that some of life's most intimate moments are now taking place in cyberspace.
Maybe I'm just a romantic. Or maybe I'm just an old fogey. Probably both. OK -- off my soapbox.
No matter how you communicate, the right buildup will make the hookup even more spectacular. Follow Wanda's lead and add some balance and restraint to your communications -- that way you'll still have some surprises and spontaneity when you're finally in each other's arms.
And perhaps even add some balance to your hookups -- no matter what hotel room you end up in, try leaving it long enough to take a walk, have some brunch and enjoy a conversation. Taking a timeout from the action will only add more fuel to the rest of your weekend.
• Wanda is a wise woman who has loved, lusted and believes in retail therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at email@example.com.