Culture

Wayne and Wanda: Can friendship turn into a relationship after a hookup?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

Last winter, I dated "Bob" for a couple of months. We were both getting out of relationships and were honest about feeling like we could be rebounding, but still spent lots of time together. He even introduced me to some of his family. But, a couple of months in, we decided neither of us was ready for a relationship and cooled things down. We both went back and tried to date our exes again after we ended things. Big shock -- none of that worked out for either of us.

Bob and I have stayed friends -- really good friends, actually. We talk (usually text) almost daily, about work, life, etc. We hang out regularly. Sometimes things seem flirty. I think there was still chemistry there. Then a few weeks ago, after spending basically an entire day and evening together, neither of us could drive, so we took a cab to my place and … we hooked up. We've talked lots since but neither of us has mentioned that night in detail and I'm completely confused about what it meant, if anything.

I'd give a relationship with him another chance -- if he is interested. But I can't read him, and he hasn't once mentioned what happened. I don't know if it's because he's freaked out, wants to forget it, is scared of screwing things up … How do I move forward? I don't want to mess up our friendship. But I'd be up for trying for more, if it's a possibility.

Wanda says:

Here's how to not mess up friendships with dudes: Don't sleep with them! Whoops, too late. Now what?

You can keep pretending nothing happened, or you can woman up and lay it out there. Tell Bob your feelings for him are more than friendship, because clearly they are. But be prepared: His may not be.

Sexually, men are opportunists, and most will sleep with an attractive woman if given the chance. It's sort of like putting a cheeseburger in front of him. Even if he's not really hungry, he'll eat that cheeseburger, because it's there, it's free and who doesn't love a good cheeseburger? Heck, even a bad cheeseburger is better than no cheeseburger.

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Has Bob been pining for you, carrying a torch, realizing with waning resistance that he can no longer resist your charms and must have you as his life companion? Um, maybe. But more likely, Bob was just hungry.

Wayne says:

Mmmm … burgers with onion rings attached. Mmmm … sex with no strings attached. You're right, as usual, Wanda -- this is the dream life of men, myself included. Though I usually prefer some bacon with my burger and some cuddling with my hookups.

Isn't it odd that two people can press their naked, sweaty bodies together for an untold amount of time, do things to one another they wouldn't tell their closest friends about and share some of the most intense levels of intimacy with one another (and share some special sauce, as well), but 12 hours later they can't look one another in the eye and share how they feel about one another? We're funny, us humans.

Swallow that big bite of pride burger and tell your friend-with-benefits that you'd like to take your relationship to the next level. Because right now he's got his cheeseburgers and he's eating them, too -- even if he does feel the same as you do, he sure as heck isn't going to rock the burger boat by talking about feelings and stuff when he thinks it might scare you (and the burgers) away.

He may send back the order. He may happily super-size the relationship. He might even reluctantly give it a shot if he knows there are burgers in it for him. You'll never know until you tell him how you feel.

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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