Alaska News

Wayne and Wanda: I thought I was experienced, and then I met 'Bob'

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I have always prided myself on being open-minded and sexually adventurous. But this guy I have recently met really has me questioning my own boundaries. A little about me: I'm single, straight, female, early 30s. I've always had a very active sex life. I've had lots of one-night stands and casual no-strings relationships and am good with that. Basically, when it comes to sex, I'm laid back and consider myself open-minded.

So I meet "Bob" on Tinder. Bob is recently divorced, a little older than me, super handsome and really successful. He said he wasn't into monogamy and if we were to date, he was open to the idea of us both continuing to meet up with other people. I have to admit, that was appealing. So we met up pretty soon after connecting and shared an amazing night -- tons of chemistry, both in the bedroom and just talking.

After that, in texts, Bob told me he also has hooked up with men. First he says it's only in groups but then he later says sometimes he just is with men, no women. Then he told me that he has been to some swinger parties. He's done some group sex stuff. And it just kept coming and coming. Orgies. Sex parties. Stuff I didn't know people actually did in real life.

He says he wants to meet up again. I really liked (like?) this guy. Our connection was awesome. But I feel like this is too much. Am I just being closed-minded?

-- Caught Out of My Comfort Zone

Wanda says

Girlfriend, do not feel inadequate because Bob's appetites are more far-reaching than your own. Sexuality is a funny thing. Some people are eternally satisfied by missionary monotony (er, or is that monogamy?), while others are -- like Bob -- insatiable in their appetites and enjoy taking it to extremes.

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You are someplace in between on the spectrum, so find the right fit for you. You should be neither bored nor uncomfortable. Sounds like the good old-fashioned hookup you had with Bob was awesomely fun and satisfying. It also sounds like that won't keep his attention for long. It's probably best that you move on and find someone who is more your speed.

As a tangent: This letter is completely unsurprising. Men these days are so saturated with porn and options (thanks, Tinder) that a regular meet-up for sex seems downright boring in comparison. Can we all pause and remember that two humans interacting, intellectually or physically, can be completely satisfying in and of itself -- no toys, craziness or supporting cast required?

Wayne says

Tag me in on this tangent, Wanda! Not long ago, a person practically had to climb to the top of Freak Peak, wave a big ol' flag and hope that someone equally freaky happened to see it. Now, flags are no longer necessary because folks are loud and proud about their sexual preferences and needs, and access to all varieties of action is just a click away for them. Heck, sex bombards our eyes and ears all day long, whether we're looking for it or not. Is romance lost? No. Is sex less important to us? Certainly not. But what was once considered intimate is now practically mainstream and what once was considered "freaky" is probably downright boring for many people. That's our world, good or bad.

I'm happy that people can get their needs met, so long as they are safe and legal. And props to your Tinder connection for being upfront about the way he gets down. Better to learn it from him that way than to come home to a big surprise like Mitch at the beginning of "Old School." (It's a Will Ferrell movie, Wanda.)

And maybe Bob truly enjoys being with you, just you, when you two are together. It's probably a nice, comfortable break from having a bunch of extremities flying everywhere. So, really, you're both getting exactly what you wanted in the first place, right? Why complicate it with questions, feelings or even judgments? As long as you are being safe, what does it matter what he does when you two aren't hooking up? Or perhaps you actually do like a string or two attached with your sexual partners, no bondage pun intended …

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