Alaska News

Lynne Curry: When a co-worker attacks

Q: My company recently promoted me. I was initially stunned and then excited. I've always been a follower and not a leader, and my manager's faith in me made me desire to do my very best.

One of my former co-workers thought he should have received the promotion, as he had a master's degree. When I reached out to him to tell him I thought we'd be a good team, he rebuffed me, saying, "Your promotion's a joke" and "Hope you don't ---- things up too bad." I didn't tell my manager about this exchange because I didn't want him to think he'd picked the wrong person to promote.

After talking to each team member, I brought them all together for a meeting and told them the changes I planned to make. This employee openly questioned everything I said, rolled his eyes and snorted when I made key points and several times took over leading the meeting as if he'd been the one promoted.

I've never been able to think of a snappy comeback when put on the spot and didn't know how to respond. I know my face turned red and I forgot much of what I'd planned to say. Worse, I stammered. It was awkward for everyone.

I'd planned to hold weekly staff meetings. I'm dreading the next one and thinking of calling it off. What do I need to do?

A: First, talk to him in private and give him a chance to get all his concerns on the table. Learn if he can translate his personal attacks into productive ideas. Let him know any drama between he and you needs to be handled outside staff meetings and if he tries the eye-rolling, snorting antics again, he makes a fool of himself and you'll excuse him until he can pull himself together.

Second, give your manager a heads-up. You kept silent fearing what he'd think; he probably expected what's happening and may have positive suggestions for you. Don't sell him short. He promoted you for a reason and could have chosen your former co-worker.

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Third, while some employee or peer critics attack in private, others pounce on their targets in front of an audience, knowing the pressure of watching eyes makes handling snipes more challenging. Your co-worker realizes he gets under your skin when you redden or stammer.

If you learn to handle his questions, he won't be able to foot-sweep you into reacting. In the coming week, practice slowing and deepening your breathing whenever you feel tense. When we breathe rapidly and shallowly in response to being put on the spot, we can't easily simultaneously access the left and right hemispheres of the brain. The left hemisphere controls language and problem-solving; the right hemisphere controls reaction and creativity. We need both to handle public confrontation.

Get ready for the next meeting by imagining statements your employee might make and preparing an arsenal of responses. For example, imagine he asks, "Where'd you come up with this crap?" when you propose how you plan to move your department forward. If you respond, "What are you getting at?" you take control of the interaction.

Two can work the crowd game, and your employees depend on you to lead your department forward without time-wasting drama. Take charge by distinguishing between legitimate attacks on your proposals and personal side-swipes. Welcome the former from this and other employees. Handle the latter by saying, "I'd like the rest of the employees to have the chance to make up their own minds about what I'm proposing," "Let's take the rest of that discussion offline," or "Please find a more professional way to express your thoughts."

Finally, followers can grow into excellent leaders if they work at it.

Lynne Curry | Alaska Workplace

Lynne Curry writes a weekly column on workplace issues. She is author of “Navigating Conflict,” “Managing for Accountability,” “Beating the Workplace Bully" and “Solutions,” and workplacecoachblog.com. Submit questions at workplacecoachblog.com/ask-a-coach/ or follow her on workplacecoachblog.com, lynnecurryauthor.com or @lynnecurry10 on X/Twitter.

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