Q: Our executive director plans to retire within the year. The board of directors has made it clear that they're considering two of us as ideal successors.
I couldn't care less about the potential promotion, as the headaches aren't worth the money. "Lloyd" desperately wants the job, sees me as a threat and has been trying to take me out of the running. I tried to reassure him by saying, "I don't want the job," but Lloyd took this as an insult, asking, "What makes you think you've even got a shot?"
Since that conversation, Lloyd takes potshots at me whenever we're both in the same staff meetings. This morning, all managers got the results of our employee survey, which includes comments on each of us as managers. Mine said that employees considered me weak. I asked two people I trust about this perception and was told "you don't stand up for yourself" and "people are starting to believe Lloyd's criticisms because you don't counter them." How do I do counter unfair criticisms without becoming as much of a jerk as he is?
A: While ignoring mud slung at you often works, when some of the mud sticks, you have to stop the slinger. That doesn't mean you have to get into the mud with Lloyd. You can stand up for yourself and counter unfair criticisms by deftly handling Lloyd's public attacks.
Three strategies work. If Lloyd attacks the results you've produced or the merits of a proposal you've made, counter his criticism with facts. If Lloyd says, "What you've said is ridiculous," and you ask, "What are you getting at?" you force Lloyd to answer you, thus taking control. You can also say, "We'll chat offline, without the audience you're playing to" to demonstrate you'll deal with Lloyd, without wanting to waste everyone's time with a skirmish.
You may want to build an arsenal of memorized questions and statements that neutralize Lloyd's attacks. "Pardon me?" said as if you can't believe he was stupid enough to say what he did stops an attack while you think of a way to turn to the tables. If Lloyd persists, asking, "Do you have a problem with your hearing?" you can say, "No, I just wanted to give you a chance to take your foot out of your mouth."
Some individuals need a verbal two-by-four before they stop public putdowns. Recently, one of my clients called me after a peer publicly humiliated him and then smugly remarked, "You don't mind my busting your balls, do you?" My client was speechless, knowing that even "yes, I mind," played into his peer's hands. I suggested he respond, "They're so much harder than yours that you have no clue" if he wanted to fight in kind.
Another phrase that works is, "You just did it again." This forces Lloyd to ask, "What do you mean?" allowing you to state, "Attack me." If he then says, "You're just too sensitive," you can ask, "Compared to whom?" taking the conversation lead back.
You can maintain professionalism yet change the "weak" perception by voicing your views with clarity so Lloyd can't ignore your "back off." Although "I" statements work when both parties operate according to win/win cooperation, "you" statements have the directness Lloyd may need to call cease-fire. "Do not insult me" proves stronger than "That upsets me" and defines a firm boundary for what you will and won't allow.
Finally, while you can try another private "I don't want the ED job" conversation, Lloyd's actions make it virtually certain the board won't select him. Even if he manages an in-house victory, he establishes himself as a jerk, not an individual who can lead an organization. If you don't land the job, you and Lloyd may both find yourself working for a new ED.
Dr. Lynne Curry is author of "Solutions" and owner of the management/HR consulting/training firm The Growth Company Inc. Send your questions to her at lynne@thegrowthcompany.com. Follow Curry on Twitter @lynnecury10 or through www.workplacecoachblog.com.