Alaska News

Wayne and Wanda: Looking for more initiative from my guy in the sack

Dear Ms. Wanda,

I'm currently seeing a gentleman who is quite spectacular. This man is very adventurous, outgoing, fun, caring, loving, etc. It just seems he has some issues initiating our alone time together, naked. It's exhausting and becoming somewhat demeaning beginning all of the bedroom time because I'm starting to take this so personally.

I've tried taking charge, starting the blood flow, allowing him the opportunity to proceed and conquer, but I end up impatient with his lack of (what seems to me) interest and end up attacking him like a Neanderthal. I really love this man and all that he delivers (the sex is fantastic!), but this need I feel to be dragged into a cave and taken is not being fulfilled. I'm an attractive young woman, I need to feel like I'm so irresistible to the man I'm with that he can't control himself, the same way this man makes me feel.

I also do not know how to approach this issue communicatively with him without emasculating him or making him feel as if what he's doing isn't enough. We have spoken of the issue briefly; however, I was not completely clear with him how I was feeling (I wanted to spare hurt feelings, as I said before). During the conversation he assured me he loves me, he's attracted to me, he wants me, he tells me he's crazy about me, he just doesn't show it as much as he says it. I would just really like to incorporate some aggression or domination of some sort into his bedroom style. Can you help me?

— I Need Him To Be a Manfriend, Not a Boyfriend

Wayne says:

If what he's saying is true, make him prove it.

Look, we all get run down in our busy lives. And many of us can also get into lazy little grooves in our relationships, especially when the honeymoon phase ends and everything seems locked up and secure. And especially when your partner is doing the heavy lifting, sexually. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that's where he is right now.

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You want more, though, so shake it out of him. Sounds like he's still a stud in the sack, once you get him there. Continue being the lioness on the prowl and attack whenever the mood hits you. But also remind him of what a sex machine he is and how much you love that about him. Send him dirty little text messages during the workday, clearly explaining what you want him to do to you when the day is done. Keep telling him you want to be taken, and when he does take charge, thank him for it afterwards. Sure, you're still initiating to some extent but you're also communicating about your needs, and if he's as awesome as you say he is, he'll get with it and let the spankings begin.

And if he continues spinning his wheels, that's his loss -- let him know that he isn't the only game in town for a sexual hottie like you.

Wanda says:

I read this while vacationing and, not immediately certain of advice, bounced the general scenario off a few recently made travel buds, including two gay men. After I paraphrased the letter, one of the men said, plainly, "He's gay."

Extreme? Maybe. But possible. Men, generally, are incredibly physical and do not hesitate to attack us like slabs of raw beef to their carnivorous starving beasts. Sure, an off night here or there is excused. But I say from experience, it's nearly impossible to reverse this pattern of behavior.

I had a wonderful boyfriend once who was sadly and exceptionally boring in the bedroom. I thought it would get better. I thought I could motivate him. I thought he'd get more aggressive. I was wrong on all counts. The ex remained boring.

Bottom line: your man? He is who he is. Don't expect miracles. Be frank, and don't worry about bruising his manhood. He's doing a fine job of that already. It's time to figure out if he can give you what you need.

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Mike Dunham

Mike Dunham has been a reporter and editor at the ADN since 1994, mainly writing about culture, arts and Alaska history. He worked in radio for 20 years before switching to print.

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