Alaska News

Wayne and Wanda: The girl is great, but a total flake

Dear Wanda and Wayne,

I've been dating a woman for about four months and I feel like it's time to either get serious about it or end it. And I would really love to get serious -- we're both looking for long-term relationships, she's pretty amazing and the relationship is great in so many ways.

But there's always a but, right? In this case, she's great but she's also so, for lack of a better word, spacey. She's always running late and showing up late, no matter how important the occasion. She often double-books her time with me and her friends or appointments. She forgets things constantly -- her ID, her house key, her dog's leash, the onion I asked her to bring for dinner, etc. It was kind of funny and even charming at first -- haha! But now it's to the point where it's annoying and practically impossible to do anything with her without a speed bump of some sort.

I'm the oldest of four, so I'm used to being organized, taking the lead, planning and having those plans come together. But I've consciously tried my best to be flexible and patient with her. I definitely don't want to take a big brother or parent role in a romantic relationship: "Did you remember your passport, honey?" I can picture spending my life with her, but I can also picture that life being filled with nonstop frustration. So, any advice on how I should proceed? Thanks.

-- Space Cadet's Boyfriend

Wayne says:

Flaky friends and shaky partners can be a serious headache, if not an eventual deal breaker. Sure, there are some incredibly tolerant gurus out there who can just shake these things off for the sake of peace and friendship -- "Oh, that's just Chris being Chris." More power to them. But for unenlightened humans like us, these affronts are assaults on our time, respect and even well-being.

Look, you can't change these people. These forgetful, head-in-the-clouds, unintentionally inconsiderate streaks are ingrained in them. And if you are constantly reminding them of how frustrated they make you, they will start feeling stressed and frustrated as they try to meet your demands.

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At some point, you just have to ask yourself what level of frustration you're willing to put up with and if that trade-off is worth the grind.

Wanda says:

My buddy Wayne is assuming a trade-off would have to occur -- that your relationship longevity means you accepting your girlfriend's shortcomings. But this isn't necessarily true. Your girlfriend's flakiness, tardiness and general disorganization may seem ingrained, but believe it or not, we women are capable of behavioral reprogramming, especially when a future with Mr. Right is on the line.

Don't assume she can't change her ways or that she's always been this way. And also don't assume she realizes how all this bothers you. You never know: Her last relationship could have very well been with a guy who didn't mind it and never brought it up. Or he could have been a total control freak who thought of everything so she never had to.

Talk to her. Explain why her forgetfulness bothers you. Ask her to make more of an effort to pay attention to plans and details. And don't forget to tell her why you're asking for this: because she's just about perfect, and while you know nobody's totally perfect, she may be perfect for you, especially if the two of you can communicate better.

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

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