Alaska News

Wayne and Wanda: My friend says he's still in love with me. Should I warn his fiancee?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I need advice on what to say to my friend "Joe." Joe and I met in college, dated, broke up, slept together off and on for a few years and eventually just settled into a very strong friendship. I trust him with my life and depend on him in a lot of ways. But I've known for years we were never meant to be more than just friends.

A couple of years ago, Joe started dating "Betty." Betty is a perfectly nice girl, pretty, has a stable job and generally seems like a very normal, down-to-earth girl. She's a good balance for Joe, who is an artist, kind of on the wild side, always trying to "find himself" and can be a bit dramatic and unstable.

Joe recently told me that he thinks he and Betty will get married. He also said he is not in love with her. He said he loves her, but doesn't feel passion for her, and that the only person he could ever really see himself with is me. But since he can't have me, he is going to settle for Betty, who's a "good catch" and keeps him grounded.

I don't even know where to go from here. I feel like first of all, my friendship with Joe is in peril if he's still carrying a torch for me, when for me, our relationship was a blip on my radar years and years ago. I'm also really alarmed that he might marry a woman he's not in love with. And what about poor Betty? I feel like I should warn her. I don't know what to do. Advice?

Wanda says:

Well, what a mess you're in, my friend. And speaking of friends, it doesn't sound like Joe is being a very good one to you. He's put you in quite a position here. No wonder you're confused. Joe is obviously confused, too.

What Joe needs is a tough-love talk from his friend. Sit him down, and tell him plainly that you have had zero interest in him beyond buddy status for years now. Tell him that will not change. And tell him to treat poor Betty with a little respect. She's a human being, not a consolation prize. If he's decided he's not in love with her, than he needs to end things with her, not marry her. Jeez.

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As for Betty, stay away. It simply isn't your business. It's nice that your basic human decency and propensity toward kindness has stirred some girl-power urge to give her the heads up on Joe's lackluster commitment toward their future together, but you really shouldn't get involved.

Wayne says:

Sorry, but I'm the confused one here. You want what's best for Joe and Betty, but you're dragging Joe's heart around and considering going behind his back to tell Betty about his overdramatic announcement of unending love for you?

Look, I know some people just aren't meant to be together, and maybe you and Joe truly aren't. But just as dramatic as Joe's declaration to you is your denial of him. In the same breath you say you're just "meant to be friends" and categorize your relationship as a "blip," you say that you "trust him with your life," are overly dependent on him and are concerned that your friendship is in peril. Um, you think?

I doubt poor little clueless Betty would be okeydokey with her soon-to-be husband, probably-later-to-be-ex-husband running to the rescue of his college flame every time her cat's stuck in a tree, her keys are locked in her apartment or she's at the neighborhood bar and really, really needs to talk to somebody. And I'm positive she won't be receptive to you telling her how her fiance claims to really feel about her. And, yeah, Joe might still be a sucker for you, but I hope he has enough self-respect to sever ties if you sabotage his real relationship for his own good.

You aren't helping Joe. You aren't helping Betty. You aren't helping yourself. Joe isn't your boyfriend, brother or dad; he's an ex who's seriously dating Betty and he doesn't owe you anything anymore. If you truly care for Joe, either get serious with him or butt out of his life and let everyone get on with theirs.

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

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