This week I was traveling for work, and therefore my ability to watch endless hours of mindless television were interrupted by interacting with old and new real-life, human friends, co-workers and hustle of big city life. However, since this was an East Coast trip I found myself awake late at night, still on Alaska time, unable to fall asleep. So I put on the Discovery Channel hoping to crush my insomnia with an episode or two of "Bering Sea Gold" that could be disguised as work, when I had my first encounter with "Naked and Afraid."
This is the most horrifying reality TV show I've seen in the past year, with an extremely accurate title. The premise is pretty simple, they put one man and one woman in a remote place with no clothing, water or food. They are each given a cloth bag (to cover up some of their naughty bits, but not enough), microphone necklace and one item of their choosing (typically a machete, fire starter, pot or something like that).
Each episode chronicles 21 days of the pair trying to survive. The show largely ends up focusing on their interpersonal turmoil, their inability to find food and water and their encounters with scary reptiles and other animals/insects that want to kill them. And at the end they get nothing but bragging rights. No prize.
In the first episode I caught, a sweet mom from the Southern U.S. and very upbeat, bearded man were dropped in the middle of Quintana Roo, Mexico. The woman's mental state quickly deteriorated after her 1,000th mosquito bite and she almost quit on Day 17 because she was so hungry. Her partner was the most positive man in all of Mexico despite these conditions and ended up doing everything for her while she complained and yelled at him. By the end she had lost 30 pounds and he had lost even more, but they both made it after he managed to kill two toads, giving them enough fuel to power through.
The next episode featured two young strangers in the mountains of Nicaragua. The woman was a vegetarian free spirit who likes to hula hoop and guy was a hard-core Southern hunter with a massive beard. While they almost died of dehydration on the third day, it was amazing to see them learn to survive together. These two stereotypically opposite individuals actually listened to each other's point of view. It reminded me of the kind of reality TV I grew up loving.
If you are thinking this sounds completely insane, that's because it is 100 percent bonkers. "Naked and Afraid" makes other shows in this genre, like "Survivor" or "Ultimate Survival Alaska," look like all-inclusive free trips to Hawaii. Other shows give the contestants rations of rice, but "Naked" gives them nothing. The "Survivors" typically have some gear to keep them safe, and you can feel the heavy hand of safety guys who have likely scouted the safe routes. On "Naked" they walk around the jungle with no shoes trying to kill poisonous snakes so they have something to eat.
A producer at "Naked and Afraid" was actually bitten by a snake during scouting and now has what TMZ calls a "zombie foot." Contestants have had to leave early because of dehydration, kidney failure, food poisoning, seizures and stomach pains.
All this made me think about what it would be like if they were to try to film this show in Alaska:
Day 1: The contestants meet each other, get naked and easily find a fresh water source. They build shelter under the midnight sun while the production crew hypes up the bear danger. Around 2 a.m. as the only darkness sets in, they both freeze, become hypothermic and producers realize they can't film in Alaska.
Day 2: Production brings the contestants their clothes, wraps up filming and pretends the whole thing never happened.
End scene.
But seriously, "Naked and Afraid" is about crazy people doing crazy things, and you should absolutely watch it.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at realitycheck@alaskadispatch.com or on Twitter @ETFBacher.