Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I find myself best friends with my ex, whom we'll call Matt. Matt and I are older, both have been married and divorced. We dated for just less than a year. We had some issues in our relationship and we got in a rut and started acting like an old married couple pretty quickly. We weren't communicating, and we made a lot of assumptions about what the other person was thinking, and we took each other for granted. Things fizzled out and ended poorly but we talked things out and now, a couple of months later, I find myself in exactly the same relationship with him, except we no longer have sex.
He is my first text in the morning. We chat throughout the day and spend most evenings and weekends together. Our Facebook feeds are full of pictures of us together and tags of each other. However, we spend our nights apart. He knows I still have feelings for him and would prefer a second chance at a real relationship. It's not something we discuss but I've made it clear as we navigated into this friendship. Neither of us is dating or actively looking. Obviously with my heart and my time occupied with Matt, there is no room for another man in my life.
Some don't realize we even broke up, since we show up as a couple. People refer to me as his girlfriend and we don't correct them. Recently, I've avoided some social situations because I feel like people who do know our current situation can see that clearly Matt likes me, he just doesn't like having sex with me (since that is all that we're not doing). It's a little humiliating.
What are the chances this will work out for me? We never said "I love you" but my feelings for Matt are very strong. Am I just delaying the inevitable hurt that's bound to come when he moves on with someone else? Is it possible my feelings will wane over time into platonic friendship feelings? I can't imagine my life without him and I wonder if pulling away is the best way to make him see that he feels the same way too.
Wanda says:
I once had a girlfriend, "Anne," who was madly in love with our friend, "Jason." Anne and Jason did everything together; he was her plus-one, her lunch date, her last text before sleep, her go-to for happy hours and Friday nights and even vacations. She suggested they date; he resisted. One night, they got super drunk and she stayed at his house. In his bed. And … nothing happened. Jason later told me, that was when he knew he and Anne were just meant to be -- meant to be just friends, that is. "If I could spend an entire night with her, drunk at that, and not even try to kiss her, there isn't and never will be enough chemistry for this to be more than a 'just friends' situation," Jason told me.
Sex, while not the only important part of a relationship, is pretty darn important. Sex, intimacy and chemistry are the tingly-twirly-toe-curling things that separate our lovers from our buddies. Without it, you're just friends. And from what you've shared, you are clearly in Matt's friend zone. Probably for good. Because men don't typically wake up one day and suddenly realize they want to have sex with you. They want to, or they don't. You and Matt have gone a long time being platonic, without ever expressing love for each other. That's your writing on the wall.
My friend Anne wasted several years waiting for Jason to realize he loved her and couldn't live without her. And guess what? He never realized that, because he didn't love her, and he could live without her. Cut the cord and step away from Matt. He may miss your friendship, and maybe in time the two of you can rebuild that buddy vibe. In the meantime, clear your plate so you can build an appetite for other opportunities.
Wayne says:
Do you want this relationship? Like really, really want it? Because so far, it seems like you both at best have taken halfhearted attempts at love, partnership, communication and commitment. So here you are today, floating through your prime years with a good buddy. That's not terrible, of course -- better than not having anyone to go to movies or beaches or concerts or wine tastings or hikes with, and not have anyone to talk to about life. But that's not all you want anymore, is it?
Now, Wanda's probably right in that if a guy friend hasn't tried making a move on you sexually in a long time, it's a bad sign -- he's probably not interested and you're a forever friend to him. But since you have history, a connection and you both have been there, done that with others, it could be that he just doesn't want to reopen the sex door with you because he figures it will lead to a commitment to getting back into another boring, going-through-the-motions relationship with you. So I'm saying there's a chance …
If you want this -- like really, really want this -- it's time to step up. Tell him you love him, because you do. Tell him you've learned from the mistakes of your earlier relationships and your first stab at a relationship with him, because you have. Tell him he's your best friend and you want to take another shot at a deeper relationship with him, because you really, really want it.
Friends are great and all, and it would be a bummer if you scared him off or if you were brokenhearted by him not reciprocating. But at this point, it's a gamble worth taking. Otherwise you're just going to wonder what could have been.
Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.