Q: I've finally come to terms with the fact that I let everyone in the workplace, my boss, my peers, even my employees, bully me. I back down from every skirmish. Everyone tells me "I'm the best," but then instead of treating me that way, they take advantage of me. When I hear those words, I cringe. I know they mean "you're gullible" and "I'm about to manipulate you." I'm working on Memorial Day weekend, while everyone else is off fishing and camping.
In the past, I've looked for a new job when I finally decide I've had enough, but that's getting old. How does a person turn around a lifetime of giving in, putting others' needs first and being bullied? Is it best to quit and start over at a new workplace with a new resolve?
A: Most of us give ground to bullies and manipulators now and again. Different people or situations intimidate us. We fall for the occasional con. When it happens repeatedly, it normally means others bullied and "played" you from childhood, leading you to discount your own rights when pressured.
You can quit your current job and start over; however, you need to start over inside yourself first. This begins with deciding what's right, because from that perspective you'll know what you need to hold firm to the next time someone tries to push you around. This may be hard if you fear that setting boundaries could jeopardize your work relationships; however, they're already in trouble, and while you can't run from your past, you can change your future.
Recently, I helped a client establish her "bill of rights," focused on the areas where she felt others pushed her around. You might try this as well, as it is core to your learning how to train others how you want to be treated. Here's what she created:
1. I treat others with respect and I deserve to be treated with respect.
2. I have the right to my own point of view and to express my opinions.
3. I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts and feelings.
4. I have the right to be successful.
Once you've made your list, decide what each right means you need to do. For example, No. 1 means you have the right to say, "I don't allow that," when someone treats you poorly.
Your next step? Put your rights into reality by acting on them. As you do so, you may find your instinctive reaction pulling you back into doormat compliance or other unwanted behavior. Don't.
Q: I suffer from "old man's disease," which means I have to go to the bathroom frequently. Not only is this embarrassing, it may cost me my job. Last week my boss told me I leave my desk too frequently and need to just "hold it" and visit the restroom on my regular breaks. I told him this problem happens to lots of older men. If I get fired, is this age discrimination?
A: "While some older men experience this problem," says attorney turned human resources consultant Rick Birdsall, "it doesn't necessarily correlate with age. Overly frequent urination can result from a wide variety of medical problems, such as diabetes, prostate issues or side effects from diuretics or other medications. Any of these may trigger potential Americans with Disabilities legal issues."
Birdsall recommends you get a medical checkup and report the issue to your doctor, who can diagnose and treat it.
"You can then ask your employer for an accommodation of your medical condition, which is likely a qualifying disability, to allow more frequent visits to the loo," Birdsall says.
Or, even better, your doctor may help you fix the problem.
Lynne Curry will host a "Solutions" book signing from 6 to 8:30 p.m. Thursday at Barnes & Noble.