Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I'm a teacher in a smaller town here in Southcentral, so I can't really date someone who is out partying like crazy every night. I don't want a smoker, or someone too religious. I'm really into fitness and health and it would be great to find someone with a similar interests. After my friends pointed out it's been more than two years since I was intimate with someone, I joined a dating site and recently met "Mark." Mark is a former college-level athlete who still works out nearly daily, he would like to meet someone and eventually start a family, he doesn't smoke, he isn't super religious -- my point is that he meets all my "criteria."
It's been three weeks since our first official date. We have seen each other nearly daily, and definitely texted and talked every day. Mark has respected my desire to go slow physically, and while we've had some awesome late-night makeout sessions, there's no sex yet. So what's the problem? Well, emotionally Mark is moving way faster than me. From the first day, he's heaped flattery on me and told me he thinks I'm exactly what he's been waiting for, texted that he misses me, is thinking about me, etc. And last night, he told me he loves me.
He said he knows it's soon and he doesn't expect me to say it back. Which was a relief because while I felt like I should, I knew that I couldn't. I guess I'm way more old-fashioned than I ever realized but I can't imagine feeling "love" after knowing someone just three weeks. Now I feel like we're in this super awkward place because he's gone and dropped the L word and I could be weeks or months from reciprocating. Is this going to kill the relationship? What should I do?
Wanda says:
You know how most turkeys come with those little buttons that pop up when it's time to take it out of the oven? It's really too bad relationships don't have the same convenient visible sign when it's finally time to say the L word. The older and wiser we get, the harder it is to part with those four letters, to gift them upon someone -- because they entail so much, don't they? Admitting love for another means trusting them, and allowing yourself to be deeply vulnerable, which is easier said than done when we're towing baggage and pieces of previous failed relationships, not to mention mountains of hopes and expectations.
The point: Falling in love is hard, and saying it aloud can prove even harder. Don't beat yourself up because you have gone three whole weeks and can't muster the emotion. For some, falling comes fast and furious. For others, gently nurturing layers of emotion takes time.
This shouldn't take away from the excitement in these early days of connecting with Mark. In fact, enjoy these days! The beginning of a relationship is sweet, exciting and new, and can never be repeated. Thank Mark for being understanding, assure him you feel positive and hopeful about the path you are on together, and don't worry about anyone's timeline but your own. It's cliché, but when it comes to being in love, when you are, you will know. And then you'll be excited to say it.
Wayne says:
Good old Mark, dropping the L word before you even hit the one-month anniversary. Smooth. Way to go and make things awkward, buddy!
It certainly sounds like you're everything Mark is looking for in life. And, well, he's just about everything you're looking for in a partner … except for his utterly shameless desperation and his aspirations of running down the aisle with you, like, tomorrow. Sure, everyone travels at different paces in life and love. But you two are driving in different lanes down the highway of the L word: He's racing in the carpool lane without a co-pilot and you're over on the far right getting passed by grandmas.
So, do you embrace Mark's amazing traits that you want in a partner, take his urgency as a positive, as Wanda suggests, and try your hardest to pump the brakes? Or are you like me and think: red flag!
Can he really love you if he doesn't even know you yet? You haven't even had sex! I know that good fits are hard to find, and finding them in small-town AK is even tougher. But crazy people are a dime a dozen and this guy's full-court press in the first quarter is enough of an indicator for you to at least be very, very cautious moving forward, if not call a timeout.
Good luck.
Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.