Dear Wayne and Wanda,
Years ago, I was involved with "Jack." We had instant chemistry -- not just physical but mental. And it was intense. We were younger, single, playing the field. Jack intrigued me but I figured I had time to act on it later. I think we were both too young and busy to get serious. But around that time, Jack got a girl pregnant and they got married.
Over the years, we would talk, and once when we ran into each other, he told me (we were drinking) that if he hadn't had his daughter, he didn't think he and his ex would have ended up married, and he did sometimes think about what might have happened between us. The conversation ended there, and left me a little sad things hadn't turned out differently.
Well, Jack called a few weeks ago. He said he was moving out of his house and that he and his wife are divorcing. He wanted to see me, to talk. So I met him for drinks and the chemistry was as strong as ever. He came home with me and I've seen him several times since. Things are moving very fast. Jack says he always regretted letting me go and now he doesn't want to waste time. He wants to be together.
I'm kind of freaking out. It is wonderful, but feels fast. Should I wait until after he's divorced to date him?
Wanda says:
It feels fast because it is fast. You say Jack "was moving out." That's not the same as "Jack has moved out." Does he still live at home? And he and his wife "are divorcing." Does she know that? Have they actually filed? Have they told their families? Explained this domestic division to their little child? There are a lot of unanswered questions here and before you leap into a relationship with Jack, I would make sure you have answers.
But even if the papers are filed, the families and friends have been informed, and he's found a buddy's couch to land on, Jack is still an emotional hand grenade. Going through divorce -- especially one involving children -- can leave a person feeling confused, alone, angry and often feeling a sense of failure. The realization that you'll have less time with your children can be both depressing and agonizing. It is not uncommon for the person to withdraw both emotionally and physically at times as the weight of everything shifts and settles.
It's not surprising that as Jack navigates this new territory of being single and solo, he turned to you, an old flame and confidant, someone he can lean on and trust -- and, yay, even have sex with! Lucky Jack. But watch yourself. Being the transition partner can be exciting. It's a mutual roller coaster of intense emotions, heightened by the ego-boosting fact that the moment Jack was single again, he bee-lined straight for you.
But Jack will have a lot to sort out in the coming weeks and months. He could very likely be moved to give his marriage another chance. Say the marriage is no doubt, hands down, 100 percent over: He is still in transition. Are you up for being his rock during a potentially acrimonious divorce and nasty custody battle? While this roller-coaster ride so far has been crazy in a good way, it could take a turn into a long, dark tunnel, and there's no way of predicting where his head -- and heart -- will be when the ride ends.
Wayne says:
I love it when ex-lovers call or text out of the blue and say they want "to talk." Especially when they are, like, three minutes out of a long-term relationship, trying to get you drunk and desperately seeking a love life preserver. Yeah, come on over and let's "talk."
Um, you should be freaking out! This is fast. Crazy fast. With his world flipped upside down, Jack is looking for something, anything stable and reliable to grab onto, and preferably there's some sex and compassion as part of the package. You're exactly that. You're safe, comfortable, familiar and loving. You're his safety net as he's free falling.
I'm not saying that your connection and chemistry aren't real. You guys could be soul mates, meant to be together, and this is the first step to getting there. But before he makes you leap to the 20th step, you have to understand that this isn't really the Jack that you were once crazy about. That Jack is in there somewhere, but he's buried under a big mess of distress.
Your intuition is spot on. You should play this carefully and at your pace. If not, you're going to spend the next chunk of your life nursing this guy back to health instead of building a relationship on even terms. If Jack truly wants to be with you and you're more than a safe zone/rebound for him, he'll understand your feelings and get his life together before overwhelming yours.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.