Wanda and Wayne,
I was in a pretty awesome relationship with a special woman a year and a half ago, but the timing was bad. We were a great fit — had a lot of big things in common (love of the outdoors, working out, cooking and having fun) and had a few differences that kept things interesting and challenging, in a good way. But she had a move for work on the horizon and wasn't sure when or where she was heading. That cloud hung over our relationship from the start, so we were both pretty cautious, never got overly serious and never talked about the long-term potential.
After about six months, we had a silly argument — our first fight. A week later, we had another fight that was totally overblown and ridiculous. I think the frustration about our situation and future boiled over. Anyway, we both let go and that was it — an awkward, anticlimactic end.
We haven't talked or communicated since the week after the breakup, but a day hasn't passed that I haven't thought about her or about us. I guess in all my self-protection and living in the moment I underestimated how much she really meant to me. I hear through the grapevine (social media, friends of friends, etc.) that she's probably moving back to Anchorage in the next few months. I've also know that she's dated guys during this past year, and I'm sure she's aware that I've dated other women.
All of that said, I'm hurting to get back in contact and connect with her. I've never felt this way about anyone I've dated. I'm realistic about that fact that she's probably moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. And honestly, I'm also a little scared to be ignored, rejected or even hurt again. I have to find peace sometime soon. So, should I reach out to her or close the book and move on? And if I reach out, how should I do it? A long tell-all email? A phone call? Help!
Wayne says:
Email her! Call her! Send her a balloon bouquet! Just don't sit on the pine pining over a missed opportunity at rekindling a special relationship, reconnecting with a potential life partner or, at the very least, getting some closure before you go insane.
Who knows — maybe she has moved on, deleted your number and found someone else. Boo, I know. But that's life and that's exactly the kind of thing that tends to happen when you let go of someone you care about.
But who knows — she could have also spent the past year lamenting the end of her connection with you. She's possibly thought of you every day and questioned why she left, why she didn't take you with her, or why she didn't fight for the relationship instead of fighting with you.
But you won't know until you reach out. And really, you have nothing to lose. You don't have her now, right? So lay it all out on the line. Tell her you were scared. Tell her the last year was torture without her in your life. Tell her you want to make it work, even if it's from a distance. If she's truly haunting you, here's your chance to win her back or exorcise the ghost of girlfriend past.
Wanda says:
You mutually enjoyed cooking, workouts and the outdoors, which you refer to as "big things," yet you mutually resisted discussing her potential move, and you let a couple of stupid fights derail your relationship? Sounds to me like you guys bonded on small stuff but avoided the "big things." In fact, for having such an "awesome" relationship, it ultimately took little more than a gentle push and two silly fights to knock the two of you off the breakup ledge.
If you really want to try again, it will take the two of you, and it will take a lot of work on both your parts. You will have to move your relationship past a breezy series of dates where you enjoy shared hobbies, and elevate it to a place where you have hard conversations, open and honest communication and maybe even call on each other to make sacrifices.
I'm not saying don't go for it. I'm saying, go for it only if you're up for the effort It will require to elevate your happy-go-lucky companionship into a serious relationship.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.