Opinions

Maybe when Alaskans value all parents, we'll do better by their children

"It is our responsibility, as a nation, to uphold the dignity and life of the weakest." Quotes like that have taken over my Facebook page lately. I have long been on the fence about the abortion debate, looking for a third way. I grew up hearing women share views about the right to choose. They struggled to care for babies while their "men" went out to party. Some had gone down the path of safe and legal early terminations of their pregnancy, and felt solid in their choice. Others grieved.

I found myself in that situation, as a teen. I wrote about it once, and it spread like wildfire through social media. Planned Parenthood has used my story, as have college professors and others, as a way to push a pro-choice agenda. I write because I have to, not to further any particular political view. When I originally shared the story of my visit to the clinic, it was with the understanding they were offering valuable health care and education to women. I went there to explore the option of an abortion, and the counselor there could see it was not what I wanted. I left with a baby forming inside of me. But that was not the end of the story.

The life inside of me would become my son. I recently buried him, as he left the world by choice. In the back of my mind I wonder if my thoughts in early pregnancy were imprinted on him. Did it cause him to value life less? Or was it that as soon as he was born, he went from being a life worthy of protecting, to just another statistic?

I knew that I was not equipped to raise a child. But I tried. I worked and paid my own way, packing my baby around with me. I remember being at a conference in Anchorage. I sat in the back so I could breast-feed; I felt tired and weak. A woman sharply dressed in a business suit looked at me condescendingly and suggested a day care to me.

Within a few months my body stopped cooperating. I wasn't producing the milk my baby needed, or perhaps couldn't relax enough to let it come. I moved back in with my dad and mom, in their backwoods home. It was a Sunday, and the local store was closed. I knew of a woman in the community who had just adopted a baby. I had seen her use WIC to purchase formula, so thought maybe I could borrow some from her. When she handed it over, she averted her eyes and mumbled, "My husband said to charge seven dollars." I had seen her husband recently. He stood up at the homestead church to testify about his conversion to Christianity.

I wanted so much to be a good mom, but with my oldest I always felt a step behind. I look back now and see that I should have just asked my folks to take him and raise him. But that is not the "American way." We are supposed to leave our parents' home and make it on our own. I had a job and paid my rent. I graduated high school a year early, and felt a strong desire to succeed. But it takes more than desire to raise a baby.

If it is the responsibility of the nation to uphold the life and dignity of the weakest, then that has to apply once the baby is on the outside. It will require a shift in paradigm. The American ideal of individual success is far-reaching. It even touched me, in rural Alaska. It wasn't enough to be a teenage mom living at my parent's home. I had to prove myself worthy and act like I was all grown. But I wasn't.

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When my child was behaving, people would proclaim what a great mom I was. Other times, like at a doctor's visit when my toddler was throwing a fit, a man exclaimed I needed to spank him. When he entered school the scrutiny intensified. I was constantly aware of my position in life, and put a lot of pressure on my son to toe the line. I didn't want to be seen as an ignorant young mom. Even though I was one.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young men in America. To me, the abortion debate is closely related. I can see my desire to succeed interfered with the most important role of parenting. But our society does not value the stay-at-home mom, or the young adult who lives with their parents. Everyone wants to be valued. Perhaps it's time for Americans to revisit our values, and what it means to succeed. The government, whether it is pro-choice or pro-life, can never take the place of a whole, supportive extended family. But for those who don't (yet) have families, a safety net is needed.

When the mom in the grocery store, whose child is having a meltdown on the floor, can get the same recognition as the lady-boss in the board room -- maybe then we won't have to choose. When the young American male is taught there is no shame in living and contributing at home, that they don't have to "go to war," maybe then we won't have to bury them. It is convenient, for sure, to just blame women for the fate of our children. But there is much more to the story.

Chantelle Pence is a writer and consultant from the Copper River region. During the winter she lives with her husband and sons in Anchorage, where she volunteers at the White Raven Center and frequents Cheney Lake on ice skates.

The views expressed here are the writer's own and are not necessarily endorsed by Alaska Dispatch News, which welcomes a broad range of viewpoints. To submit a piece for consideration, email commentary(at)alaskadispatch.com

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