Culture

Wayne and Wanda: Stuck with being a wannabe roommate

Dear Wanda and Wayne,

I've been in a relationship with a great guy for a little over a year. He has been a real gift in my life in so many ways and our relationship is amazing. We get along so well and truly love each other and I expect that one day we will get married. But right now I'm just trying to move in with him!

We're both in our very late 20s and obviously serious, so I think now is the perfect time to take the next step and live together. He has his own big house with his dog and there's plenty of room, while I rent with two roommates in a big townhouse. I would love to move in with him and I have told him that three times in the past month. But he is super reluctant to let me move in with him. He's never lived with a woman or even had a roommate before. I've always had roommates and even lived with two boyfriends in the past (early 20s).

I think we would be a great fit in a home just like we are in our daily relationship. We overnight all the time anyway. But when I talk about all of that and nudge him toward living together, he repetitively says he just isn't ready for that yet and it seems too soon. He doesn't have a date in mind, he just isn't ready now. I think he's just scared and he's going to have to live with me someday anyway, so why not now? How do I convince him that this is the right time and that he can handle it?

-- Roommate in Waiting

Wayne says:

Heck yeah, he's reluctant and scared! He's in his late 20s, in a serious relationship and staring down marriage in the seemingly not-so-distant future. That's frightening enough! So it shouldn't be a surprise that he's holding on to, and no doubt savoring, the last days of bachelor living (even though he clearly isn't a bachelor).

Remember how excited Kevin was in "Home Alone" when he woke up and learned his whole family disappeared and he had the house to himself? Well, that's what living alone is like every day for a man. You can skip making the bed without hearing about it. You can leave the empty pizza box on the counter for a few days without hearing about it. You can stay up late watching SportsCenter and fall asleep on the couch (with your hairy, couch-hogging dog) without hearing about it. You can let the dishes and laundry pile up during ski season without hearing about it. You can have the homies over and play your music as loud as you want without hearing about it.

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This may not be a big deal to you, but this is a game-changer for him. So instead of pushing him to let you move in, you should probably be a little more sensitive to the fact that he has never lived with anyone before. Even though he is clearly committed to you, his home gives him a sense of independence and space. He knows that the second you move in, that way of life is instantly gone forever. That's frightening for someone who hasn't had to answer to, or share space with, anyone since he moved out of his parents' place.

Work with him gradually on getting to a place where living together feels right for both of you. Spend the night at his place more often. Discuss your shared long-term relationship vision. And promise that if and when you do live together, you'll give him the space he's used to when he needs it -- because you will, right? And just like Kevin, one day he'll realize that being home alone isn't as much fun and loving as having a full house.

Wanda says:

Every relationship has major milestones: the first date; the first time you have sex; the first shared vacation; the official meeting of friends and family; and sometimes, maybe, eventually, you move in together, and even get married and have children. Couples achieve these relationship milestones together, and sometimes, one partner is ready for a Next Step while the other needs time.

Do you really want to have to strong-arm Matt into living with you? Wouldn't you rather Matt embrace it as enthusiastically and as passionately as you are? The fact is, he isn't. It might be because he's scared or it might be because he likes watching SportsCenter every night and not sharing the TV. You know what? It doesn't matter. The fact is, Matt isn't ready, and the idea of living with you just yet doesn't excite him. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he's not there yet. If you want to see things continue on with Matt, you will need to pump the brakes and enjoy the journey.

When you do think it's time to move in together, there are some important topics to discuss together beforehand. Ask each other, why are we moving in together now? Talk about each other's views on marriage; is living together, in your opinion, a step in that direction, and how soon would you want to be married? Make sure you're on the same page. While you're at it, you best discuss each other's views on having children. A difference in opinion here can topple the happiest of couples.

Sort out finances, too; sharing bills for the first time can be stressful and cause avoidable tension. Talk about chores and housework, as well. And finally, it's in both parties' best interests to talk out a virtual pre-nup, if you will. In other words, if you break up, what's the plan? If you move in with him, does that mean you would need a new place to live? If you bring in your bed because it's better than his, do you take it when you go? Some of these questions are a pain to even consider, but playing house with a partner can be a pain too, sometimes. Talking these things out in advance will make for a smoother experience down the road.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

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