Everybody wants to lend their support when a friend or family member has been diagnosed with cancer. But sometimes the fear of doing—or saying—the wrong thing stops people from doing anything at all. To help, Anchorage Young Cancer Coalition (AYCC) members shared their "Dos and Don'ts" for how to support someone going through treatment.
Do...
Be open to what they need. Every person reacts differently to the diagnosis. Some may want to talk all the time, while others may not want to talk at all. And even that may change from day to day. So be patient, understanding and open to what they need, said Carey Carpenter.
Realize it's not a short game. Dealing with cancer doesn't end when treatment ends, said Molly Ridout. For many people, especially young adult cancer patients, the really hard part begins when treatment ends—dealing with the loss of fertility, wondering how the cancer will impact their dating and/or sex life, or going through early menopause. But the end of treatment is when most of the support falls away. So make sure to check in long after treatment has ended.
Send food. Proper nutrition is important when fighting cancer, but treatment leaves many patients fatigued and not wanting to cook. Food, whether homemade meals or gift certificates to favorite restaurants, is always appreciated.
Offer to babysit. Caring for children, especially young children, is exhausting even for people in the best of health. Offering to babysit, even for just an hour or two, so your friend can spend an evening alone or with a significant other is priceless, said Veronica Carlos.
Be a chauffeur. Some patients aren't physically able to drive after treatment. Offer to take them to and from their appointments, Carlos said.
Organize the volunteers. Save the patient the stress of having to field offers of help by stepping up to organize everybody who volunteered, Carpenter said. Create a webpage to coordinate meal deliveries. Schedule dates and times for people to go help with laundry and housecleaning. Assign everybody a week to call or send cards or care packages. Anything that lets her know she's being thought of and cared for helps.
Dont...
Pretend it's not happening. A cancer patient will never forget what she's going through, so neither should you, Carpenter said.
Share horror stories. "We know the realities of cancer," Carpenter said. "We are grasping on to straws and hope that we will beat it. We know the realities. You don't need to point it out." So keep the stories of your sister's co-worker who lost her fight against the same type of cancer to yourself.
Be afraid to talk about your life. Sometimes hearing about the trivial things in other people's lives, like the office gossip or the run-in with another parent in the school drop-off line, can help provide a light at the end of the tunnel and lets the patient maintain a sense of normalcy, Carpenter said.
Be afraid to have fun. Whether it's a night at the movies or a quiet get together for dinner, don't be afraid of humor and laughter, Carlos said.
For a list of breast cancer resources and support in Alaska click here.
This article first appeared in the 2015 edition of Alaska Pulse magazine. Contact Pulse editor Jamie Gonzales at jgonzales@alaskadispatch.com.