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Jill Burke: 3 ways to get your difficult child to do what you want

Children with brain-based disorders often have associated behaviors that can drive parents nuts: a meltdown in the restaurant; kicking and screaming over something that seems ridiculously minor; impulsivity or rigidity that makes even the most mundane, routine tasks seem like endurance sports.

The list goes on.

Most parents who love and raise these children will understand the "why" behind it. Autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorders and other impacts on neurocognitive functioning, including abuse and trauma, offer an explanation for the sometimes extreme coping methods and heightened sensitivities of afflicted children. They easily slip into "fight, flight or freeze" mode.

But for all of the "whys" science can come up with, it does little to equip parents with the fortitude and stamina to hang in there.

It can be a long, lonely journey of isolation. Families may stop eating out, taking plane rides, visiting with relatives or even begin to minimize trips to the grocery store, effectively locking a family in a self-imposed quarantine from society. On top of the stress of dealing with the child's challenging behaviors, the internalized stress from outsiders -- unhappy plane passengers, judgmental grocery store shoppers, disrupted patrons at restaurants and theaters -- begins to weigh heavy as well. The more stressed a parent is, the more their own coping skills begin to erode.

"And then you feel terrible because you love your child with all of your heart and you are embarrassed to take them somewhere," explained Pam Shackelford, who heads the behavior support services program for the nonprofit Family Outreach Center for Understanding Special Needs, or FOCUS, in Eagle River. "It's really not a function of being a bad mom or dad, it's a function of having a child with a brain-based disability.

"Every parent is accustomed to dealing with an upset child or a temper tantrum. But usually they don't occur a lot. It happens. You resolve it. And move on. Children who experience disabilities often also have communications deficits, and they also often have difficulty with transitions."

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Which, in a nutshell, can result in more frequent, more intense, longer-lasting tantrums and meltdowns. To help, FOCUS is offering parents a three-week course sponsored by the Alaska Mental Health Trust Authority's Alaska Training Cooperative and the Center for Human Development at the University of Alaska Anchorage. The "Positive Solutions for Families" class, which starts Tuesday, meets twice a week and is geared for families with children, ages 2 through 8.

The course helps families decode their children's behavior, increase positive behavior, and helps children build social skills they'll need for making friends and getting along with their family.

One of the most powerful aspects of the class are the connections it creates between parents, Shackelford said. Having a child with a disability is a shared experience that unites parents, especially moms, across all socio-economic backgrounds. During one of the classes a few years ago, a Hillside lawyer-mom bonded with a mom living in a shelter. The common challenges and rewards of raising their children outweighed other differences.

"All of that just becomes irrelevant when moms are talking about the behavior their child has and how they feel," Shackelford said, emphasizing the classes are a place parents can share their fears and frustrations openly, without judgment. "We really want it to be an environment that feels safe to families and talk about these really extreme behaviors. We want them to feel really comfortable and safe."

Parents interested in participating can register here: http://bit.ly/1W4pGH0. Other sessions are expected to follow throughout the year.

If you can't make the class or don't have time, there are a few easy strategies from the curriculum you can try at home. By no means does this replace the comprehensive skill-building the class offers. But, it's a good start.

First, be sure to "fill your buckets" -- the kind words and encouragement parents need for themselves and their children need to hear. You're special. Your children are special. Remind yourself and them of this frequently.

Next, do a field study. Look at your child's behavior from an outsider's perspective. Is there a common theme to when the negative behaviors happen? What's the typical outcome? If you can pinpoint what triggers the behavior, you're a step closer to understanding what's going on and how to manage it for a better result. Do tantrums happen when you ask your child to change activities? Try giving them notice there will be a change, then give them time to finish what they're doing and process the switch in gears in their minds.

It can be as simple as "John, in five more minutes you need to stop playing Legos and come to dinner." If there's a meltdown, try "John, I see you're angry. But we still need to stop playing Legos. I'll give you five minutes to settle down and then we're going to start dinner."

Finally, concentrate less on "don't" and more on "do." Instead of "don't run," try "do use your walking feet, please." It may seem insignificant, but being reminded what to do instead of what not to do can make a huge difference. It's more positive and it's more direct, as it lets the child know what's okay to do right away, and not just what's unacceptable.

A few parting words from me, for those of you thinking you don't have a role in this, you do. Be kind to families you see struggling with their kids. Offer to walk their groceries to the car. Forgive the public tantrums. Tell a parent their child is beautiful. Your kindness will go a long way to help, whereas additional stress serves only to make it more difficult for a mom or a dad already coping with more than you may know. And for all of the good Samaritans who have brightened more than one of my family's days in big ways and small, a sincere thank you.

The views expressed here are the writer's and are not necessarily endorsed by Alaska Dispatch News, which welcomes a broad range of viewpoints. To submit a piece for consideration, email commentary(at)alaskadispatch.com. Send submissions shorter than 200 words to letters@alaskadispatch.com or click here to submit via any web browser.

Jill Burke

Jill Burke is a former writer and columnist for Alaska Dispatch News.

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