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Get ready for Watergate Le Tour, coming to a website near you

Craig Medred

Watergate Le Tour, a new drama, promises to consume you as you surf the Web this weekend: Political intrigue hits the scenic roads and high mountains of France in technocolor as determined prosecutors pursue an American icon on a bike. Huge sums of cash changes hands. Friends betray friends. Bikes crash. Podium girls look sexy. And it all ends in a finish that will leave you shocked and surprised or anxious for Watergate Le Tour II -- Return of the King.

Starring:

Lance Armstrong
as a fitter, better looking Richard M. Nixon with the PR skills of FDR and Bill Clinton's lust for hot babes.

Defrocked Tour de France Winner Floyd Landis as John Dean, the man who just couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Disgraced Olympian Tyler Hamilton as Chuck Colson, the former aide waiting to bare his soul and find Jesus.

Garmin-Sharp manager Jonathon Vaughters as the always cagey John Ehrlichman.

And George Hincapie as G. Gordon Liddy, the trusted disciple who will never talk.

Unless you're already a cycling fan, you don't know who any of these people are anymore than the Chinese knew the Nixon administration, but you will soon. You will. They're trending.

Also featuring:

U.S. Anti-Doping Agency front-man Travis Tygart as pit bull Sen. Sam Irvin,  the prosecutor who just won't give up the pursuit.

And Tygart aide William Bock as Sam Dash, the right hand man.

With:

Irish journalist Paul Kimmage as Woodward and Bernstein.

And "Le Monde" as The Washington Post.

In this updated spin on an American classic, a hard-working, young man from Texas with the cycling skills of Tour de France champion Greg Lemond and the organizational acumen of Machivelli envisions a cycling team to rule the world.

Backed with U.S. government funding, he soon takes over the national sport of France. But to achieve his ends, he must resort to the questionable practice of turning his team into a bunch of blood-sucking vampires, and vampires can only live in the dark.

When the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency starts to shine light onto the enterprise, some of the big man's accomplices are caught. They start to talk, and soon the end is near. But there is a twist this time. Even as this leader departs, he hints to the faithful at new scheme to fight on.

Contact Craig Medred at craig(at)alaskadispatch.com