Ted Stevens (1923-2010)

Heads up, Heaven -- Ted Stevens is on his way

TO: Heaven
SUBJECT: Spiritual appropriations

To Whom It May Also Concern,

You may have already heard that five people, including three well-known Alaskans, died recently when a bush plane crashed near Dillingham. One of those people was Theodore Fulton "Ted" Stevens, the longest-serving Senate Republican in history, and surely one of the two or three most significant Alaskans ever.

For an entire generation, Stevens was the one political constant, a Republican lodestar, an earthly equivalent to Polaris. Through his 40 years in the Senate, he was instrumental in making Alaska what it is today -- no matter what one thinks about where it ended up.

Alaskans are still very emotional about the tragic deaths -- plus several others recently (it has been a very bad year). The wounds are very fresh, and Alaskans, although used to death's constant proximity, seem to have not processed much of the grief yet. Which could explain why so much of it is being expressed through an outpouring of adulation for Stevens, whose politics Alaskans didn't universally love.

In fact, we're not even totally certain we're addressing this to the right people. Years ago it wasn't uncommon in certain parts of the state to hear people say that Stevens would wind up living with, um, you know, the other guys after he passed away. We can't imagine that actually happened, but if in fact it has, could you forward this to the appropriate office? What we're about to say here would apply equally in that case.

We The Concerned knew grief manifested itself in odd ways, but it seems really strange right now. Some of the late senator's most violent critics and stubborn political enemies (and even one estranged former candidate for vice president) have been coming out of the woodwork to pay homage to him and praise his memory. Some exceptions to that trend are already starting to appear, but largely, pretty much everyone really misses Ted Stevens right now.

Stevens has been the subject of several critical memorials from outside Alaska over the last week, and by far the bulk of them have been based on his reputation for steering federal dollars to the state. Many people, especially from states whose senators weren't savvy enough to chair the Senate Appropriations Committee,

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him for that. Alaskans loved him for it.

Throughout his Senate career, he fought for -- and often won -- federal money. By the reckoning of Citizens Against Government Waste, Stevens obtained $3.4 billion for Alaska projects between 1995 and 2008, and because Stevens became a senator in late 1968, we think that figure might be, well, conservative.

Stevens began his career as a senator for Alaska when it was still a very young, undeveloped state lacking the economic and public infrastructure enjoyed by many other, much older states. So to us The Concerned, critics of Stevens' zeal for federal appropriations look like they don't understand the situation very well. We're used to Alaska being misunderstood, but we started thinking -- and this is really why we're writing you -- maybe Heaven will misunderstand too.

We're not exactly sure how the process works, but Ted Stevens' spirit is probably working its way up there right now, and we're very concerned you won't be ready. So before he gets there, we'd just like to give you all a heads-up: The spirit of Ted Stevens still represents Alaskans, and it's almost certain he'll keep working for the state even though he now lacks corporeal form.

We expect him to take a year or so to settle in but then to dramatically increase the amount of empyrean capital appropriated to Alaska each year -- maybe your budget hawks call it "celestial pork." We're concerned that he'll offend you, not only by being the first spirit of a senator to actively pursue more blessings for his former constituents, but also because he can get a little testy when facing opposition.

His advocacy won't only center on amplifying blessings, though. While he was a senator, he often proposed "Stevens amendments" to specifically modify legislation in what he considered to be Alaskans' best interests. So don't be surprised when some prayers, say, those from natural gas-producing areas of the continental U.S., or from fish farmers in British Columbia, start to come in with attachments on Stevens' letterhead.

He means no disrespect, of course. It's just that Alaska hasn't had as much time to pray as other states, and it consistently ranks among the least religious of all states. Consequently, its spiritual potential has suffered as much as its civic and economic potential once did, or as some argue, still does.

It may sound selfish to warn you that Alaskans are about to get more than the usual amount of celestial appropriations, especially when they don't seem that pious to begin with, but we don't say this lightly. Alaska and Alaskans are in desperate need of blessings lately, and Stevens is very persuasive when he thinks Alaska needs something.

So be prepared. We The Concerned are certain that Theodore Fulton "Ted" Stevens, once known as "Alaska's senator for life," will be Alaska's senator for eternity as well.

With great, conflicted sorrow,
The Concerned
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