Q. Three years ago, a group of mean girls in the workplace made up false stories about me and ostracized me. I hadn't done anything to deserve how they treated me. They hated me because the departing CEO gave me a promotion that one of them felt was rightfully hers. After the CEO resigned, these coworkers made my work life a living hell.
I wisely quit. However, I've never been able to let go of what happened and it eats away at me. I've dreamed of revenge, of making them pay for how they hurt me. Now, life has handed me an opportunity to get back at these former coworkers. Should I take it?
A. Make your decision based on what you feel to be right. Could you fix a bad situation? Save someone else from experiencing what happened to you? When you're not able to let something go, taking action can be emotionally satisfying.
On the other hand, when you have a wound that needs healing, do you pull the scab off? Revenge re-opens and aggravates emotional wounds. Further, revenge rarely fully satisfies, because whatever was done to you has happened and revenge can't undo history.
Further, revenge can backfire. Gov. Chris Christie's presidential aspirations experienced a potentially fatal blow after his team was alleged to have created a traffic jam that tied up traffic at the George Washington Bridge and turned a half hour commute into a four hour experience for many furious New Jersey residents.
Here's the more important question. Why have you given these mean girls the power to stay in your mind and thus your life? What exactly eats at you? Is it that you let them run you off? What if you took that energy you've channeled toward revenge and put it into your personal and professional growth? When you mentally move forward, you can make these former mean girls irrelevant. Then, from that perspective, you can answer your own question. Will getting back at these former coworkers make you feel better or worse?
Q. When we promoted "Jack" as department lead, we thought we'd made the right choice. He knew every job in the department, was hard-working and completely committed to our company. Soon after we made him the lead, two other employees quit. We figured they were jealous.
Since then, seven other employees have left. The last three employees who quit told the same story. They call Jack a jerk, say he's "on them" the whole time they're working, and they don't want to work with him. What do we do? We don't want to demote Jack; if we do so, we'll lose him and he regularly saves the day when his direct reports slip up. At the same time, we can't afford any more employees quitting.
A. If you didn't provide Jack with supervisory training when you promoted him, you set him up to fail. Jack sounds like a man who sets high standards for himself and others. He may not, however, know how to work with those who don't meet his standards.
Here's what Jack needs to know. He needs to know how to talk with and not at those who report to him. He needs to learn how to set clear expectations for his crew and then work as the coach on the sidelines rather than as the hero who runs onto the field. He needs to know how to give constructive feedback in a way that elicits understanding and change instead of in manner that belittles. The good news — Jack's a hard worker and can learn supervision — if you provide the training.