Anchorage Daily News

If there's one thing that fries my bacon, it's these infernal greenie no-growthers that are trying to strangle every strand of progress here in Alaska. The oil money is pouring in and we finally have the chance to build the state of our dreams. But every time ya turn around, those Californicated communists are saying, no, no, no.

They wouldn't let us build Rampart Dam. They killed Susitna Dam. They're killing the road to Juneau. They're killing Knik Arm crossing. Those poor wet souls down there in Ketchikan aren't gonna get their $400 million bridge either.

Road to Cordova? Even Wally Hickel couldn't make that one happen. Railroad to Nome? Same thing -- no way, nohow. The railroad to Canada? Never got off the drawing boards. They're gonna kill the Pebble mine. We can't move the capital. We can't drill ANWR.

What will those greenies let us have?

We get an extra lane each way on the highway from Anchorage to Wasilla.

Well, hoop-de-do. (Joe blows a party favor.)

Alaska's become so overrun by pantywaist wimps, it's downright embarrassing. I might as well park my D-9 bulldozer and start driving a runty little hybrid.

There's only one big project that has any hope of actually happening, and that's the gas line.

So I'm with Wally Hickel on this one -- we should quit waitin' on somebody else and build the damn thing ourselves. Screw Big Earl and those Dudley Do-Right pretenders from Canada. We'll show 'em all. I want every man jack of you with a bulldozer, a backhoe, a riding lawn mower, a #$%@! shovel, to meet me in Fairbanks; we'll school up and head north, to OUR future.

We'll head for the Haul Road as soon as we get our state energy assistance checks.

This is Joe Contraire saying,

"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

Vigilante ombudsman Joe Contraire channels his wrath through the keyboard of Matt Zencey and the pen of Peter Dunlap-Shohl. To see the full animated version of Joe's rant, visit adn.com/opinion.

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